Feeling Proud

Back in late May / early June, just two short months after starting my new position with the UW Libraries, I was told I would be "teaching HR to all the Library Supervisors." Imagine my reaction, I actually said (quietly) 'no sh*t'. Though there was a piece of me feeling excited but of course totally overwhelmed. Another month or so down the road the same co-worker who told me I'd be doing this offered to get me a coach. "A what?" A coach, to help pull the information together, keeps you on track, to guide you, etc. Okay I said not really knowing what this arrangement would look like. One key word left out of the coaching description, Accountable!

So for the next several months I met with my amazing coach, weekly - how I dreaded Wednesday mornings. We pulled the information together, she was great, though I was still scrambling the night before my first (of many more to come) HR presentations.

I need to step back for a moment and briefly mention something that has turned into a key piece for me, hence helping me feel proud of myself (not something I EVER say about me!). The University has a program for supervisors called Supervisor Leadership Program. The Libraries tailored this program, to have a Libraries specific focus, and will be running all approx 120 supervisors through the program over the next several months. The program is four full-days spread over two weeks. It's a long haul and no one truly wants to be there.

November was the kick-off session to this program. I was a student and a teacher, in the room with 21 other Library supervisors with a huge range of seniority. From Associate Deans to front line supervisors - we were all in the room together. And yet, everyone was comfortable to share experiences (the good and not so good) even if their bosses boss was in the room – truly an amazing group of people.

My presentation was the morning of day three, my nerves were frazzled but my nervousness ended quickly. My session ran long so I was unable to cover all that I'd hoped, I couldn't answer all the questions or provide great examples of the policies I was presenting but ... the room was fully engaged. This group of supervisors, from the top down, was truly interested in what I had to say. I believe most were wanting to see me, get to know me and a small peak into my personality. To know that I'm 100% different from the person who held my position for 35-yrs. To best describe the feeling - all the supervisors were truly thirsty for the information, any information, they drank it up - every one.

Many thanked me for presenting, the evaluations were positive and though initially full of self-doubt and focusing on what didn't work I surprisingly shut those feelings down and really started listening to what folks were saying. That's when I got it - the supervisor's have been locked out of knowing anything about how to be a supervisor with regard to personnel; policy, procedures and everything in-between. Amazing, truly and no wonder they 'drank up' the information I shared.

What an incredible feeling - truly, I think for the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. Shocking, really, and such an unusual feeling for me. Mind you I’ve graduated from college, gotten married, and birthed two children - never truly, deeply proud of myself for those amazing accomplishments. Then, the second most amazing piece happened - what really pushed me over the top.

Remember those Associate Dean's I was mentioning? The last day we were put into coaching groups. Four people per group the goal - to bring an issue you, as a supervisor, are working on and have the others in your group help coach you through it. My group; all the Associate Deans (whom I adore) and me! Now, I think the underlying reason for this group was so the HR Manager and the Associate Deans were not in groups with the front line supervisors. I get it, they want all to speak freely, okay fine. But I gotta say, when I saw my name in the same group as the Associate Dean's - I was jumping for joy inside. I had the most amazing level of self confidence I've ever had in my life. I was with the top group, the Associate Deans - all head of major Libraries or huge areas of the Libraries. Incredible - I was one of them.

These moments hit me like someone hitting me on the forehead saying, Duh - told ya! I am always so full of self doubt that I never think of myself as a place of resource, or that I could ever really be picked and play for the winning team. Now I know differently.

I'm finally, after 35-years on earth, feeling proud of me! And, just as important - it's okay to be a tad self-centered - I did it, I accomplished something huge.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

What are you passionate about?

I want to be excited about my life – so why aren’t I? Perhaps because I’m notorious for looking at life with the glass half empty view. Why so jaded? Don’t know – but it’s exhausting. Deep down I know how truly fortunate I am, really I do.

• Who could ask for a better “lemon drop” husband who thinks the world of me, everyday? Who loves me for who I am (no matter how crazy I can get) and makes me laugh daily.

• My children, how truly blessed I am to have two thoughtful and amazing children who make me smile and laugh daily no matter what’s going on around us.

• My extended family – the majority of whom all live in Washington and are here to love and support me and my family without hesitation.

• My dear, dear friends whom I cherish daily and am so very thankful for.

• My career – yes, incredibly challenging and I don’t love it daily but I have a job in my field of study that pays the bills (mostly).

So what’s the problem? Why the feelings of anger, frustration, exhaustion, and guilt (to name a few)? Is it because I don’t have a passion for life? Why on a daily basis life becomes such a chore – the responsibilities are huge and the pressures I lay upon myself are astronomical. And again I ask, why? Someone once told me, several years ago, I was “so irrational”. And of course that ticked me off – but I’ve never forgotten it because I think there is some truth behind it.

I want to be excited about my life – to have a passion for me, outside my family and other responsibilities. Not reserved and quiet but able to speak up and truly be excited for me and others I love and support. Something for me, of course I’m too nervous, self-conscious, worried what others will think to truly ‘let my hair down’ but as a first step, my passion doesn’t have to push the limits. But what is that passion? What fires me up, something I can’t wait to do? Is it dancing (no, to afraid what others will think and I have to be perfect the first time). What about sports; soccer, swimming, running. Good, but a lot of time, money, and energy. Clearly I can talk myself out of anything. Decorating/designing – again, good but expensive and my thoughts/tastes don’t always balance with others who live in my house. What’s out there for me and how do I find it?

I don’t know – do you know your passion, outside of your family? I challenge you to find it – something you truly love (I say again, outside of family). Is it crafting, photography, scrapbooking, painting, theatre – think about what truly excites you and follow it. Cut out time in your day or week to grow this passion – when I find mine, that’s my plan!

As I continue to ponder these thoughts, I will look for a life passion maybe even try something out! I need to find myself as I don’t truly believe I’ve ever really known myself but rather how I believe everyone else thinks I should be.

Writing – I enjoy writing. I express and communicate better through writing …hummmm, maybe that’s an avenue I explore.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Bye-Bye Summer .. Hello Christmas

WHAT?? Yes, that is the number one question on my kids minds. Seems that we've returned from a glorious 2-week vacation in Hawaii, hit the ground running with back to school blues (and excitement; I'll let you determine which child of mine fits those adjectives). And now, we're onto Christmas - are you kidding me!

This past weekend was wonderful, we had perfect end of summer weather and great family time. My kids had a water fight in the back yard Sunday afternoon - how it warms my heart to hear the laughter of children - more so that they are getting along and having fun! But the questions about Santa and Christmas music before the leaves start falling - too much. I do, truly, love the holiday season and in October I start looking forward to the busy, hustle and bustle time but October, my dear children, is still (thankfully) 2-1/2 weeks away!

So as we close out another incredible summer, we look back fondly at our plans to slow things down and enjoy the short summer season (yah, how did that work for everyone) we move into fall, winter, and the start of another New Year where we re-make promises to stop, slow down and enjoy life and children who are growing up faster than parents expected. For me, I will always cherish our amazing "Fletcher's in Hawaii 2008" and my children having the time of their lives dousing each other with buckets of water to close out the summer of '08.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Friendship

Such a powerful word; a word which holds such deep meaning to so many. I recently shared an amazing over-night with some long lost friends. The story started about12-years ago when I started my first job out of college. Suzanne, we hit it off - two peas in a pod. She taught me so much as a young professional (okay, just learning how to become a professional, let's be realistic!). My middle name is Suzanne (spelled the same) so I was often referred to as the 'little Suzanne'. After a few years working together in the same office area, developing an amazing friendship, she became my boss. To say we went through hell and back is truly weak at best. Of course one of my most favorite moments was right after I started working for her, literally, only weeks. She was driving us to an evening business meeting full of high level ‘suits’, talking about the importance of honesty, integrity, open communication, blah - blah. And the reality hit that she had "lied" about the meeting to get me to the location of my engagement to Brian. She is an amazing friend; we've gone crazy together (one more than the other) and come back from it to say, "my gosh, how'd we survive."

Then the Christmas storm of 2006! I'm sure some of you can recall leaving the LFPM holiday concert with the high winds and sheets of rain. We had no power for 5-days; my young family was a mess at best and we were moving into my sister-in-laws house with her family. But my very dear friend Suzanne was coming into town, she had moved to AZ a year or so prior, to celebrate her 50th (sorry Suzanne - gotta mention the number to emphasize the importance of the event). I had time at a spa in downtown Seattle all scheduled for Suzanne, Linda, and I as well as fabulous dinner reservations. How could I even think of missing this once-in-a-life time event? But I did - I put my family first and until a couple of weeks ago I was sure that decision ended my friendship with Suzanne. I selfishly kept thinking, how could she not understand what we were going through? I called on her actual birthday a couple weeks later, no response. I wrote an email outlining what happened and why I made the decision I did, nothing. So very, very sad. I was crushed and was letting go of this so-called amazing friendship. This friendship must not be all that I prayed it was. The type of solid, rock hard friendship we all so deeply dream about and hope for. Where you can be 110% yourself - not worry what the other thinks. Cry with, laugh so hard you want to pee - those friendships don't ebb and flow much. So I was sure I was saying good-bye.

Than earlier this year (February I believe) a Bothell colleague passed away. I contacted both Suzanne and Linda via email to let them know. And this, this was the kick that got our friendship back on track. Next thing I knew, Suzanne was coming out early June to celebrate May birthdays (Linda & I both share end of May birthdays). I was sheepish, cautiously excited and even a little nervous. What would we say, would this be uncomfortable - who cares, I gotta know where we stand.

From the moment of our first sighting to our first hug and 3-bottles of champagne later (yes, 3-bottles - one for me, Suzanne, and Linda!) our friendship was as if time never passed. We cleared the air about that December 2006. Rightly so, Suzanne was crushed - how could I miss her 50th celebration!

I’ve read one of those email things about different types of friendships and how friends come into and out of your life for various reasons based on what life experience you are going through. I believe this to be true, absolutely. My best friend from elementary school – inseparable during those days, Christmas cards at best now-a-days. But there are friendships which are so deeply connected, life long joys that you know you don’t have to talk to every day, every week, or even every month – you know that person is there for you 100% without question or judgment. Thank you, Suzanne, for showing forgiveness, strength, love and joy, and true friendship.

Friendship - such a powerful word which evokes so many emotions. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, solid friends. And what I'm most proud of and excited about; blogging! Yes, I know - because I've learned I can share things that are scary and hard or exciting and new and all my wonderful friends are still with me. Encouraging me, loving me, crying and laughing with me all through this thing called life!

Here’s to you girlfriends – I honor and cherish each of you, thank you.

Thanks for reading,

Nick

Birthdays and Peanut Butter Princess

I recently celebrated a "5 birthday". You know, one of the years that ends in 5, sort of the mid-point until the next "0 birthday." Birthday time, for me, has always been strange. As a child we never made a huge deal about birthdays. Yes we celebrated with family and friends but it was much simpler (basic, dare I say). I suppose because it turns into a day where your close family and friends focus on you and wish you well. Which, don’t get me wrong, is truly wonderful and fantastic ... I think I'm uncomfortable with the focus on me. The attention, the well wishes, the explaining what your plans are, etc. Now that I'm X5 I say get over it and embrace the love, the joy, and the excitement of birthdays.

My dear, loving husband did a fabulous job planning my big birthday this year. All kept a secret. Except I did know something was up when he denied me my afternoon at a spa! The nerve - he more than made up for it!

My morning started way too early when Ben got up at 5:15a on a Saturday. So I took him back to bed (thankfully he now has a twin size!), got him his "hot apple juice", turned on his music and we both lay quietly - eventually falling back to sleep. Until 7:30a when the rest of my family entered, with food! Mommy was getting her first breakfast in bed ... well, Ben's bed but who cares. My boys were so sweet signing me happy birthday, eating my sweet food, and spilling the juice (all of it staying on the tray!). Who could ask for anything more?

It was off to kid haircuts and then drop-off at grandmas! My very kind and wonderful mother took the kids Saturday morning through Sunday evening. Bliss, I tell ya! As it turns out the kids had a fantastic time; love spending time with grandma and all the adventures they share.

I'm off to home to start MY quiet birthday. A complete surprise to me, though apparently not to some of my blog readers, Brian had planned a most romantic get-away; an evening at the Salish Lodge at Snoqualmie Falls. Talk about heaven; he arranged for every detail. I received an amazing hot-rock massage, major relaxation, a light dinner at the Attic overlooking the falls. Sleep, sleep, and sleep - almost a full 8-hrs, imagine that! Woke up to Brian bustling around only to learn we were having guests at 9a! What! ... a few of my closest friends, with Mimosa’s, Bloody Mary's, and coffee - what could be better. At about 9a knocks at the door came from our dear friends the Lundborg's and Shelley's. So amazingly thoughtful they wanted to share my birthday - talk about focus and center of attention - o, my! Our morning was splendid - shared many laughs over our morning beverages and then down for an amazing 2+ hour breakfast.

So maybe birthdays aren't so bad - besides, I found out last night from Ben that I was the Peanut Butter Princess. Who knew ... all because I made him a peanut butter and honey 1/2-bagel sandwich for lunch that day. How special am I?

Thank you to my amazing husband, dearest friends, and all well wishes. My X5 birthday was fantastic and I'm almost looking forward to celebrating the next one.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Commitment update

Another reason to feel guilty - sure, cuz mom's don't already feel enough of that! I've got noth'n, no real movement up or down on that darn scale. Coming into 2-1/2 months until HI - tick, tock. Who needs this level of pressure .. me, apparently! I honestly do pretty well throughout the day but once home all bets are off. Why ... cuz I'm hungry and don't know what to fix for dinner. Kids are crazy with excitement about their day and being home, want to eat but no one knows what to fix. So I snack, snack on most anything I can that's easy. Salty and sweet ... what could be better.

We all do the best we can and sometimes we can do better (this is me). I need someone to kick my sorry butt (literally and figuratively). Perhaps I should buy my HI swimsuit as my focus! That commercial for yogurt comes to mind, "she wore an itsy bitsy, teeny, weenie yellow poke-a-dot bikini." Promise no one will be seeing me in a bikini - certainly not an itsy bitsy one!

I'll get there ... anyone know a good personal trainer!

Thanks for reading and supporting me during this up-hill struggle.

Nick

Being a Mom ......

How would you fill in the blank? Probably depends on the day or even the moment. Every day brings new and exciting challenges being a parent. Today, mine was Ben. Sweet, loveable Ben. Ben will be 3 early July; he's very intelligent (thank you Montessori) and socially immature. For over a year we've had the same conversation with him; no hit, no throw, no kick, truly the list goes on. We would say, "he's only one" now we say "he's only two" Well he's getting ready to turn three and here we are.

Today was just as any other day in the life of the Fletcher crew. I arrived at school about 5p to pick up the kids; start with Carson who was eager and excited to see me. Stops his work and runs up to give me a big hug. Such a powerful feeling. We head down to pick up Ben. I walk in, notice a note on the white-board regarding the kids field trip tomorrow and I hear, "Mara (pause) Mara (pause) Mara." It was one of the teachers saying my name in a calm, nothing unusual or difference in her tone. We have a good, fun, humorous relationship. So I wasn't paying a lot of attention to her but rather trying to read about the field trip. As she walks over to me, she hands me an incident report and says "I'll just let you read it."

Imagine what I'm thinking at this point. The first section says "talked to Ben about his behavior and choices were not ok. He lost his play ground time." Okay, moving on to the section titled "Inappropriate behavior - he threw a plastic playhouse chair in a child's face causing the child to get a bloody nose."

How would you react? I can't even remember my initial reaction; shocked, horrified, sick to my stomach and silent. Of course I asked who, girl or boy? Girl and overall she is okay but has a bad mark on her nose. I signed the form, quickly gathered the kids and silently left the building.

Now what? I calmly explained to Ben he lost all privileges for the night and that he would be spending the night in his room. No blanket, no movie, no nothing but in your room; bath and dinner only. Didn't phase him. When asked why, "I don't know" he says with an infuriating smirk. Surprisingly I remained mostly calm. Brian got home and tried the same things - nothing got through; at least it seemed that way. Until it was time for bed and all he wanted was his blanket. Cried for about 2-hrs wanting his blanket. Both Brian and I went in and reminded him of his poor choice today and that he had lost blanket. Tomorrow was a new day and we'd work on being a big boy again in the morning.

I am so deeply angry and embarrassed (with myself), frustrated (with Ben & me), loads and loads of self doubt (the list is too long to go into but we can start with my new job), and all-in-all just want to have a good cry.

Being a Mom … is truly a life test. I’m horrible at taking tests but I’m not too proud to admit when I fail and on occasion pass. Today’s test; my fingers are still crossed that I pass.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Commitment

What does commitment mean to you? And how do you stick to those commitments or promises? Promise is a big word; when you promise to do something, anything, you are committing 100-percent of all you've got to accomplish that promise, right? For me this statement is completely true. When I promise to do something for an employee, co-worker, boss, friend, family member, husband, parents, and children - I honestly, sincerely do whatever it takes to "make it happen!" Not much can get in my way when I promise or commit to do something for anyone ... except when it comes to me!

Why is it so easy to break that promise or commitment to yourself? And I'm not just talking about New Year resolutions 'cuz we all know where most of those promises end up. But how ‘bout when I say, "okay, enough is enough - I will be a more patient parent or I will exercise, I will eat right, I will take the bus (no matter how much I highly dislike it!), I will take better care of myself, get more sleep, and give my new job all that I've got.” Truly my list could go on for miles.

I’m wondering why, when you make such commitments to yourself, are they so easy to break? Because I don’t hold myself accountable? Perhaps, that could be my reason. Sure I can beat myself up for eating that late night cookie and only feel guilt. I’m only letting myself down for not keeping to my promise. I’m not letting anyone else down, just me … what gives?

I suppose it is time for me to step up to the plate and hold myself accountable. First, in my defense, I feel I need to state that I’ve given into this new job thing. I have promised, mostly to Brian, but also myself that I will give this new job all that I have. And, well, I can honestly say – I am starting to let go of Bothell. Bothell is moving forward and I am to. A Seattle co-worker made a ‘stop-me-in-my-tracks’ comment the other day, “come on, this is your dream job.” And right there, she kept talking but I have no idea what she said. In my mind I thought, is it? So as I let go of Bothell and fully commit to my new job – I embrace it. And try so very hard not to feel so stupid most every minute of every day. It is a constant struggle but the possibilities of ‘making my footprint’ is truly exciting.

Anyway, back to accountability. We are headed to Hawaii in August, my family, the four of us. We are going with another couple, 2-weeks in complete bliss (even with my children!). Through blogging, as my source of accountability, I am going to lose weight (20-lbs is my goal, but will settle for 10-lbs by August). I am committing to becoming more active and actually following through on a promise/commitment I make to myself. Eating right; to be defined specifically but I know late night cookies are out. I will involve the family; kids are always active and running around, I commit to joining them. Let’s see if I can hit my goal in 2-1/2 months. I will blog my ups and down with this journey, as this will be my form of official accountability.

All this to begin … tomorrow!

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Transition (grieving and acceptance)

I have had a rather challenging time determining what my next blog post will focus on. My past blogs have been just that, focused on my past (except MS, which is daily). What an amazing and powerful experience! It is a scary thing to put yourself 'out-there'. Much to my honest surprise and pure joy everyone who has read my blog still loves me (you really love me!). How lucky I am to have such a strong and loving support system. A system I should have trusted and looked to a long time ago. I've had my darkest skeletons buried deep in my personal closet for far too many years. Always hiding and afraid what others would think of me. And while I suppose there may always be a piece of me worried what others will think I'm working hard to put that behind me. I give an enormous shout out (you all know who you are) to my amazingly caring, insightful, and wonderful support system who have been so strong for me. I truly can not tell you all how lucky and special I feel to have you in my life. Thank you!

Life is about transition (change). Some of us embrace it while others of us run like heck away from it. As much as I'd like to think I'm good with transition and change I think secretly not so much. I am a Gemini; while we have two personalities we also tend to get set in our ways, routine is our proverbial very best friend. Of course this may not be true for all Gemini’s but many of us fall into this life pattern. "Nothing stays the same." We've all heard that but have we REALLY heard it? Look at all the decisions you make daily; most small (what to eat for breakfast, what to wear) but some can be huge life changing ones (moving, taking on a new job, starting a family). And I believe often when we make decisions we also feel regret (grief).

Most everyone knows I have chosen to leave my job at UW Bothell. My workplace of choice for the past 12-years. My job straight out of college. I've grown so much, both personally and professionally. Starting out as an Office Assistant, growing to a Fiscal Specialist, to an Assistant to the Director, and finally to a Manager. I experienced this growth and transition in three different departments on the Bothell campus. Yes, I am proud of all I have accomplished. And yes, my past experience has allowed this new career opportunity and advancement ... but (did you all see that big but coming!). As Brian, so insightfully pointed out, "I'm grieving my loss of Bothell."

I've have willingly tossed my professional and family life routine up in the air and I'm still waiting (trying to be patient) for all the pieces to fall back into place (a new place). Change and patience - not my strongest personality traits. When all I really want to do is go running, full-bore, back to Bothell. Back to what I know, where I feel safe and comfortable, back to what I've helped shape and create. Maybe I'm not finished at Bothell, maybe there is more I want to do. In my mind, I'm constantly thinking about how and when I can get back to what I left. Full of self doubt and so uncomfortable with my decisions; both in my decision to leave Bothell and doubting my decision to take this new job. I suppose all very natural feelings when one makes such a life change but I gotta be honest when I say, these feelings suck!

Life transition, allowing myself to grieve and at some point accepting the decisions I have made. Tough to do. I had over a year to think about whether or not I would consider applying for the UW Seattle position. I looked hard, because I wanted to find all the glowing, blinking, enormous red flags to stop me - but I didn't find any. So I tossed my resume in the pile and was chosen as the successful hire. Who'd-a-thought! And while I am excited and proud of what I've accomplished - these feelings are buried too deep. The guilt, self-doubt, the what-the-heck was I thinking feelings are far too strong right now to focus on all that I've accomplished.

I will come to acceptance, eventually, with my decisions. And as Brian says very matter-of-factly, "we just make another decision." If UW Seattle was not the way to go (after giving it a fair shot) than we'll make another life changing decision. And while I agree with this statement, I do feel it is one which is easier said than done.

Thanks for reading,

Nick

Multiple Sclerosis

I'm sure all of us married folks have heard the first year is always the hardest. I do believe this is true but probably not much harder than subsequent years. For Brian and I we hit two of the biggest hurdles a new married couple shouldn't have to face for years, if ever.

For those who know the recent "Lemon Drop" moment - imagine all that love times about 400. Brian planned the most amazing proposal, some girls night I'll share the details. This night kicked off an amazing engagement and wedding ceremony. We were surrounded by love; you could feel it from the moment you stepped through the doors. May 1, 1999 ... we remember my grandmother (who has sinced passed) who's health was failing. We remember Brian's most amazing and loving grandfather; this outting was his last, little did we know at the time. We were blessed to have so many loved ones share this amazingly special day.

We kicked off our married life by cruising through the Carribean Islands. We returned to find Brian's grandfather's health worsening and by mid-July he had passed. "Pa" ... selfishly, I did not have nearly enough time getting know such a wonderful man. The honorable man who taught Brian how to have fun with life; to always see the world with a glass half-full (doesn't matter what liquid is in the glass) no matter the circustances. Pa had so much light, love, and an amazing sense of humor. Anyone who knows Brian knows where his fun, loving, always joking personality comes from. The passing of Pa was almost insurmountable for Brian. Helping to get his grandmother settled in her new living arrangements and supporting her as best he could while she figured out what life was now going to be like kept him occupied. Can you imagine your partner of 60 years gone and moving forward 'cuz as we all know the world doesn't stop ... even if you beg and plead? An unimaginable time for a newly wed couple but not the worst of what our first year would bring to our plates.

December 1, 1999 ... Brian was officially diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis). The strange tingling and numbness he felt while sitting with his grandfather turned out not to be a pinched nerve but rather an incurable and debilitating neurological disease. President's Day weekend in February of 2000 Brian started his daily injection of Copaxone. Brian's committment to this daily routine is what has kept MS at bay. The leisons on his brain and spinal cord have not increased during the past 8-yrs; God bless! This and the incredible support from his neurologist. Dr. Dunn is truly the most respected, and in my opinion genius, neurologist in the Northwest. Brian looks forward to his doctor visits because of the strong relationship they have created. Brian is, metaphorically speaking, lifted up mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally every time they visit. It is so powerful to be part of and witness such enlightenment as Brian continues his fight with MS.

As mentioned above, Dr. Dunn is a genius ... this was proven to us when he said he was leaving his practice in Kirkland to become the head of the MS research and a faculty position with Stanford University. Brian and I will now be flying to CA annually for our visit with Dr. Dunn.

Thus began our life with MS ... as noted in a previous blog, I am adopted. This is, in my opionion, a blessing and a curse. I know next to nothing about my health background except that my paternal grandfather had MS. So this incurable disease is in my genes as well. So why did we choose to have kids? I'll save that for another blog entry ...

Thanks for reading,

Nick

1973 - 1999

Brian, my husband, has always told me, "your past makes you who you are today." It has taken me a long time to understand and truly believe this statement. Bless him for showing me this truth and for still wanting to marry me after he knew details of my skeleton's in the closet history.

My first blog entry, "Coelacanth" I signed off with a list of adjectives which one could use to describe titles for me. With this entry I plan to wrap up my history in almost one fell swoop so I can move forward; with life and with blogging! I certainly won't touch on every detail just the most painful and eventful of my life during this time period (26-yrs). This will probably turn into a long, drawn out entry - skim through as you please. The details may be boring for some but therapeutic for me.

May 31, 1973 - the day I was brought into this world. Perhaps a joyous day for some but I think for my natural mother, a sence of relief. I learned 32-yrs later that my VERY young natural mother had teminated two prior pregnancies. To this day I'm wondering why she didn't terminate me. I'm here for a reason ... I spent the first 6-weeks of my life in foster care; probably not so bad but I'm glad I don't remember this time. Though my parents who ended up adopting me were already experiencing difficulty in their marriage my mom always wanted a girl - they had adopted two boys already - and got a call that I had arrived and was ready for a home. Yes, all three of us were adopted, all from different natural parents. Thus began my life as Mara Suzanne Stevens; my mom wanted to name me Marcella. Thank you grandma for not allowing this - though, as mentioned in prior posts, Mara has also been a struggle. What's in a name ... for me, tons! This covers my "adopted daughter" title.

Survivor ... yes, I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a young child by a close family member. Boy, that's hard to write. I've never referred to myself as a survivor but I am - this remains a difficult topic and until this post only a hand-full of people knew about it. I did finally tell my mom, only a couple of years ago, which at the moment felt good to finally share but the topic has never been spoken of again and a certain level of expectation on her part remains for me to continue contact with this family member for which now (at age 34) I have finally decided I will not. Another struggle I will continue to work through ... because I am a survivor.

I married my "high-school sweetheart" ... I suppose you could say that. I met DR (official name withheld to protect the innocent) the summer I was to go into 10th grade, 1988. He graduated high school in June '88 ... what's he doing with an almost 10th grader, who knows! When I first met him I thought he was an arrogant jerk. But as the summer went on we started dating and I spent the rest of my high school years with him. I missed out on a lot because of this but I thought I was in-love, that DR was the right one for me. And it was petty cool to have the older boyfriend with a car ... but now, looking back all I can say is "really!" But at the time there was no getting through to me. I say "high-school sweetheart" because I spent 3-high school years with him, I do know he was not my first love or even a true, deep love. We went through a lot together (getting pregnant at 19 and terminating; sound familar ... see "adopted daughter" section above about my natural mother) but still ended up getting married when I was 21 (1994). I think we did this because we were supposed to - we'd talked about it for YEARS and there was a certain level of expectation, eventhough I knew the day I got married I shouldn't be walking down the isle. Through the twists and turns of young, married life (yes, I'm avoiding great detail here) we ended up divorced (hence the title, "ex-wife") late in 1996. The asorted details of this portion of my life may or may not be covered in a later blog. Remember I gotta protect the innocent here. For about 6-yrs we had no contact; than "MySpace" came about and he found a couple of my long-time dear friends. I've since learned he's living in OR, married with an adopted daughter and natural son. For DR I believe his life has come together nicely and for this I am truly happy.

Certainly from the day I was born in 1973 through 1999 when I married my true love, Brian there are many more details which make up who I am today ... the above entry represents the most ugly of the my skeleton's. The skeleton's Brian took as part of loving me for me - choosing me to spend the rest of his life with. What a special treasure and honor I plan to cherish forever.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

My dad has Alzheimer's

Toward the end of December 2007 I found out my dad has Alzheimer's. Such horrifying news actaully brought some relief - because it provided answers. Answers to his erratic and quite frankly mean behavior. He has an appointment later this week with his neurologist where we (the family) get to ask all sorts of questions. Like, what percentage of his brain is dead, yes dead! His brain loss has been filled with spinal fluid ... what does this mean. At this point, the range of how far along my dad is with this disease is not good - he's much deeper than anyone realized and past the point of taking meds to help slow the process. Bless my middle brother for training over from Whitefish, MT to be with my dad during this visit. My dad has requested my step-mother not attend. Now one could argue if he is truly of-the-mind to make this sort of decision but my bro is making the trip out. And I struggle with my attendance; should I, could I? Would it anger my dad further to see me during this vulnerable time for him? I know he wants my brother (this is clear) doesn't want his own wife. And the pessimst in me says he wouldn't want his daughter there either.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what this all means. My dad and I have never had a close father-daughter relationship. I never doubted his love for me, he really didn't know how to show it and I didn't know how to ask for it. My parents were divorced when I was about 3-yrs old. At some point during this process my dad told my mom he'd take the boys (my two older brothers). Bless my mother who said no you take them all or none. He choose every-other weekend visits instead.

He was in and out of various relationships until he married my step-mom when I was 10. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my step-mom I don't believe I'd have any relationship today with my father. She has been the rock, the pull to get us together on a regular basis. She's been through a lot during the past 24-yrs of marriage to my dad. To say the least, he's not a warm, fuzzy, great communicator, happy-go-lucky, have some good-deep laughs with kinda guy. Quite the opposite really ... he's angry, loud, demanding, a talker for telling past stories (this doesn't make him a communicator cuz he's telling stories - not dealing with life's daily business). Anyway, I know deep down they have shared an overall wonderful 24-yrs of marriage.

No regrets ... no guilt ... how do I achieve this so when my dad passes I can morn him completely and peacefully? I really don't know; I don't feel I can really talk to him because we don't talk at that level and he won't remember the conversation (than what do I have to loose if he won't remember). I could write my thoughts in a letter to him but truly I wouldn't know what to say. As I have this struggle with myself I also fight the temptation to shove this aside, don't think about it or deal with it on a conscious level.

The battle will rage on and I will find the strength necessary to say good-bye to my dad.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Coelacanth

Pronouced in my head as "ce-la-cath". Does anyone remember the old Volkswagan TV commerial where two guys are looking in the trunk of a Jetta or variation of and says, "what once was lost is now found" Coelacanth ... it's a type of fish "they" thought was extinct but scientists found alive somewhere (more detail; http://www.dinofish.com/) . It was also a question on Jepordy! several years ago for which I acutally knew the answer to, thanks VW. Turns out the guys looking in the trunk were thrilled to find a full-size spare tire. Okay ... so you had to see the ad to really get it.

I ramble on about this for two reasons, 1) I can, it is my blog, and 2) more importantly it's how I feel about myself. Hence the title of my blog, "Once was lost is now found, almost." Though in my mid-thirties (which is young I know) I don't know that I have ever made a name for myself; stood out in a crowd. Ever truly defined who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I always knew growing up what was expected of me; follow the rules, don't make waives, go to college, etc. So I feel I learned to never speak up, ask questions; was always the quiet, shy one in the corner, make nice - do what needs to be done to keep everyone happy. I remain highly self-conscious and with that always worry what others think. Fear of confrontation because I'm afraid to speak up for myself and worry what others will think.

The good news through all of this; I'm aware of it and now I start the slow road to learning who Mara Fletcher really is. Or, "Nick" as I think I'll use in this blog. Why Nick ... cuz I truly love this nickname. My very dear, long time best-friend Juli - her dad is famous for giving out nicknames. During college I would ask daily what my nickname was going to be. One day he said to me, so excited, "I have your nickname!" Such joy and excitement I felt to finally have a nickname ... "Nick" he said! Short for nickname ... as much as I love this nickname it has never truly taken hold - except for Juli's dad (bless him!). Partly because I love Nick and partly because I'm so self-conscious of my name (I know, I'm working on it) I'm going to use Nick.

I know there is more to me than being an adopted daughter, survivor, friend, ex-wife, wife, employee, supervisor, and mom.

Thanks for reading,
Nick