I have had a rather challenging time determining what my next blog post will focus on. My past blogs have been just that, focused on my past (except MS, which is daily). What an amazing and powerful experience! It is a scary thing to put yourself 'out-there'. Much to my honest surprise and pure joy everyone who has read my blog still loves me (you really love me!). How lucky I am to have such a strong and loving support system. A system I should have trusted and looked to a long time ago. I've had my darkest skeletons buried deep in my personal closet for far too many years. Always hiding and afraid what others would think of me. And while I suppose there may always be a piece of me worried what others will think I'm working hard to put that behind me. I give an enormous shout out (you all know who you are) to my amazingly caring, insightful, and wonderful support system who have been so strong for me. I truly can not tell you all how lucky and special I feel to have you in my life. Thank you!
Life is about transition (change). Some of us embrace it while others of us run like heck away from it. As much as I'd like to think I'm good with transition and change I think secretly not so much. I am a Gemini; while we have two personalities we also tend to get set in our ways, routine is our proverbial very best friend. Of course this may not be true for all Gemini’s but many of us fall into this life pattern. "Nothing stays the same." We've all heard that but have we REALLY heard it? Look at all the decisions you make daily; most small (what to eat for breakfast, what to wear) but some can be huge life changing ones (moving, taking on a new job, starting a family). And I believe often when we make decisions we also feel regret (grief).
Most everyone knows I have chosen to leave my job at UW Bothell. My workplace of choice for the past 12-years. My job straight out of college. I've grown so much, both personally and professionally. Starting out as an Office Assistant, growing to a Fiscal Specialist, to an Assistant to the Director, and finally to a Manager. I experienced this growth and transition in three different departments on the Bothell campus. Yes, I am proud of all I have accomplished. And yes, my past experience has allowed this new career opportunity and advancement ... but (did you all see that big but coming!). As Brian, so insightfully pointed out, "I'm grieving my loss of Bothell."
I've have willingly tossed my professional and family life routine up in the air and I'm still waiting (trying to be patient) for all the pieces to fall back into place (a new place). Change and patience - not my strongest personality traits. When all I really want to do is go running, full-bore, back to Bothell. Back to what I know, where I feel safe and comfortable, back to what I've helped shape and create. Maybe I'm not finished at Bothell, maybe there is more I want to do. In my mind, I'm constantly thinking about how and when I can get back to what I left. Full of self doubt and so uncomfortable with my decisions; both in my decision to leave Bothell and doubting my decision to take this new job. I suppose all very natural feelings when one makes such a life change but I gotta be honest when I say, these feelings suck!
Life transition, allowing myself to grieve and at some point accepting the decisions I have made. Tough to do. I had over a year to think about whether or not I would consider applying for the UW Seattle position. I looked hard, because I wanted to find all the glowing, blinking, enormous red flags to stop me - but I didn't find any. So I tossed my resume in the pile and was chosen as the successful hire. Who'd-a-thought! And while I am excited and proud of what I've accomplished - these feelings are buried too deep. The guilt, self-doubt, the what-the-heck was I thinking feelings are far too strong right now to focus on all that I've accomplished.
I will come to acceptance, eventually, with my decisions. And as Brian says very matter-of-factly, "we just make another decision." If UW Seattle was not the way to go (after giving it a fair shot) than we'll make another life changing decision. And while I agree with this statement, I do feel it is one which is easier said than done.
Thanks for reading,
Nick
4 comments:
Welcome back to blogging :-) Missed you, but know how hard it is to put yourself out there. I still force myself, just because I kinda said I would in my early blogs - it pushes me.
Congratulations on your new job. You should know for one that you will be equally as successful in the new job. Whether or not you like it - well that's a different thing, but while change is hard, it's also the step to your next thing, whatever that is. And it could be that the next thing will come next year or in 20 years - not for us to know right now.
The other thing to know for sure is that you can always lean on your friends and "support" system. Never worry that they/we won't be there even if you need to talk about the same thing over and over. Just keep talking:)
I can't relate to being somewhere for 12 years ... I tend to get antsy after 2. But my MO is different. I ususally have to go in and fix, so once the fix is in place the challenge is over and I can't seem to find patience for daily maintenance so on to the next job I go. I'm alsmost at my 2 year mark with this job and most of my friends have insitinctively started the networking and new job finding process for me. I still crave the freedom of being my own boss and hoep that comes to pass someday in the near future.
I wish for you a short period of grief and a new routine the includes excitment, more learning, great new relationships with coworkers and soon you will have the feelings that you had at Bothell.
Hugs,
R
Thanks R, I love your insight and always your support. Thank you for you kind comments and encouragement. One day, one minute, even one step at a time is all I can truly manage right now. Life will get easier I know it deep down but I still yern for my old routine (and habits!).
Was fantastic to see you today! Looking forward to our next gathering.
snugs,
m
Yes, you are loved just as you are. I am so glad you can see it and feel it. As for your job change, I am so proud of you. I know it is not easy and it does not sound like it is in your nature so WAY TO GO! I am sorry you are having such a trying time but it will be one more accomplishment for you and it will get easier once you get in the groove and learn the ropes. Like your dear, wise husband says--it doesn't have to be forever and you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Until then- we're thinking of you and wishing you well. o.x. k
Thank you dear friends! You all mean the world to me.
xoxo
N
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