Feeling Proud

Back in late May / early June, just two short months after starting my new position with the UW Libraries, I was told I would be "teaching HR to all the Library Supervisors." Imagine my reaction, I actually said (quietly) 'no sh*t'. Though there was a piece of me feeling excited but of course totally overwhelmed. Another month or so down the road the same co-worker who told me I'd be doing this offered to get me a coach. "A what?" A coach, to help pull the information together, keeps you on track, to guide you, etc. Okay I said not really knowing what this arrangement would look like. One key word left out of the coaching description, Accountable!

So for the next several months I met with my amazing coach, weekly - how I dreaded Wednesday mornings. We pulled the information together, she was great, though I was still scrambling the night before my first (of many more to come) HR presentations.

I need to step back for a moment and briefly mention something that has turned into a key piece for me, hence helping me feel proud of myself (not something I EVER say about me!). The University has a program for supervisors called Supervisor Leadership Program. The Libraries tailored this program, to have a Libraries specific focus, and will be running all approx 120 supervisors through the program over the next several months. The program is four full-days spread over two weeks. It's a long haul and no one truly wants to be there.

November was the kick-off session to this program. I was a student and a teacher, in the room with 21 other Library supervisors with a huge range of seniority. From Associate Deans to front line supervisors - we were all in the room together. And yet, everyone was comfortable to share experiences (the good and not so good) even if their bosses boss was in the room – truly an amazing group of people.

My presentation was the morning of day three, my nerves were frazzled but my nervousness ended quickly. My session ran long so I was unable to cover all that I'd hoped, I couldn't answer all the questions or provide great examples of the policies I was presenting but ... the room was fully engaged. This group of supervisors, from the top down, was truly interested in what I had to say. I believe most were wanting to see me, get to know me and a small peak into my personality. To know that I'm 100% different from the person who held my position for 35-yrs. To best describe the feeling - all the supervisors were truly thirsty for the information, any information, they drank it up - every one.

Many thanked me for presenting, the evaluations were positive and though initially full of self-doubt and focusing on what didn't work I surprisingly shut those feelings down and really started listening to what folks were saying. That's when I got it - the supervisor's have been locked out of knowing anything about how to be a supervisor with regard to personnel; policy, procedures and everything in-between. Amazing, truly and no wonder they 'drank up' the information I shared.

What an incredible feeling - truly, I think for the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. Shocking, really, and such an unusual feeling for me. Mind you I’ve graduated from college, gotten married, and birthed two children - never truly, deeply proud of myself for those amazing accomplishments. Then, the second most amazing piece happened - what really pushed me over the top.

Remember those Associate Dean's I was mentioning? The last day we were put into coaching groups. Four people per group the goal - to bring an issue you, as a supervisor, are working on and have the others in your group help coach you through it. My group; all the Associate Deans (whom I adore) and me! Now, I think the underlying reason for this group was so the HR Manager and the Associate Deans were not in groups with the front line supervisors. I get it, they want all to speak freely, okay fine. But I gotta say, when I saw my name in the same group as the Associate Dean's - I was jumping for joy inside. I had the most amazing level of self confidence I've ever had in my life. I was with the top group, the Associate Deans - all head of major Libraries or huge areas of the Libraries. Incredible - I was one of them.

These moments hit me like someone hitting me on the forehead saying, Duh - told ya! I am always so full of self doubt that I never think of myself as a place of resource, or that I could ever really be picked and play for the winning team. Now I know differently.

I'm finally, after 35-years on earth, feeling proud of me! And, just as important - it's okay to be a tad self-centered - I did it, I accomplished something huge.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

What are you passionate about?

I want to be excited about my life – so why aren’t I? Perhaps because I’m notorious for looking at life with the glass half empty view. Why so jaded? Don’t know – but it’s exhausting. Deep down I know how truly fortunate I am, really I do.

• Who could ask for a better “lemon drop” husband who thinks the world of me, everyday? Who loves me for who I am (no matter how crazy I can get) and makes me laugh daily.

• My children, how truly blessed I am to have two thoughtful and amazing children who make me smile and laugh daily no matter what’s going on around us.

• My extended family – the majority of whom all live in Washington and are here to love and support me and my family without hesitation.

• My dear, dear friends whom I cherish daily and am so very thankful for.

• My career – yes, incredibly challenging and I don’t love it daily but I have a job in my field of study that pays the bills (mostly).

So what’s the problem? Why the feelings of anger, frustration, exhaustion, and guilt (to name a few)? Is it because I don’t have a passion for life? Why on a daily basis life becomes such a chore – the responsibilities are huge and the pressures I lay upon myself are astronomical. And again I ask, why? Someone once told me, several years ago, I was “so irrational”. And of course that ticked me off – but I’ve never forgotten it because I think there is some truth behind it.

I want to be excited about my life – to have a passion for me, outside my family and other responsibilities. Not reserved and quiet but able to speak up and truly be excited for me and others I love and support. Something for me, of course I’m too nervous, self-conscious, worried what others will think to truly ‘let my hair down’ but as a first step, my passion doesn’t have to push the limits. But what is that passion? What fires me up, something I can’t wait to do? Is it dancing (no, to afraid what others will think and I have to be perfect the first time). What about sports; soccer, swimming, running. Good, but a lot of time, money, and energy. Clearly I can talk myself out of anything. Decorating/designing – again, good but expensive and my thoughts/tastes don’t always balance with others who live in my house. What’s out there for me and how do I find it?

I don’t know – do you know your passion, outside of your family? I challenge you to find it – something you truly love (I say again, outside of family). Is it crafting, photography, scrapbooking, painting, theatre – think about what truly excites you and follow it. Cut out time in your day or week to grow this passion – when I find mine, that’s my plan!

As I continue to ponder these thoughts, I will look for a life passion maybe even try something out! I need to find myself as I don’t truly believe I’ve ever really known myself but rather how I believe everyone else thinks I should be.

Writing – I enjoy writing. I express and communicate better through writing …hummmm, maybe that’s an avenue I explore.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Bye-Bye Summer .. Hello Christmas

WHAT?? Yes, that is the number one question on my kids minds. Seems that we've returned from a glorious 2-week vacation in Hawaii, hit the ground running with back to school blues (and excitement; I'll let you determine which child of mine fits those adjectives). And now, we're onto Christmas - are you kidding me!

This past weekend was wonderful, we had perfect end of summer weather and great family time. My kids had a water fight in the back yard Sunday afternoon - how it warms my heart to hear the laughter of children - more so that they are getting along and having fun! But the questions about Santa and Christmas music before the leaves start falling - too much. I do, truly, love the holiday season and in October I start looking forward to the busy, hustle and bustle time but October, my dear children, is still (thankfully) 2-1/2 weeks away!

So as we close out another incredible summer, we look back fondly at our plans to slow things down and enjoy the short summer season (yah, how did that work for everyone) we move into fall, winter, and the start of another New Year where we re-make promises to stop, slow down and enjoy life and children who are growing up faster than parents expected. For me, I will always cherish our amazing "Fletcher's in Hawaii 2008" and my children having the time of their lives dousing each other with buckets of water to close out the summer of '08.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Friendship

Such a powerful word; a word which holds such deep meaning to so many. I recently shared an amazing over-night with some long lost friends. The story started about12-years ago when I started my first job out of college. Suzanne, we hit it off - two peas in a pod. She taught me so much as a young professional (okay, just learning how to become a professional, let's be realistic!). My middle name is Suzanne (spelled the same) so I was often referred to as the 'little Suzanne'. After a few years working together in the same office area, developing an amazing friendship, she became my boss. To say we went through hell and back is truly weak at best. Of course one of my most favorite moments was right after I started working for her, literally, only weeks. She was driving us to an evening business meeting full of high level ‘suits’, talking about the importance of honesty, integrity, open communication, blah - blah. And the reality hit that she had "lied" about the meeting to get me to the location of my engagement to Brian. She is an amazing friend; we've gone crazy together (one more than the other) and come back from it to say, "my gosh, how'd we survive."

Then the Christmas storm of 2006! I'm sure some of you can recall leaving the LFPM holiday concert with the high winds and sheets of rain. We had no power for 5-days; my young family was a mess at best and we were moving into my sister-in-laws house with her family. But my very dear friend Suzanne was coming into town, she had moved to AZ a year or so prior, to celebrate her 50th (sorry Suzanne - gotta mention the number to emphasize the importance of the event). I had time at a spa in downtown Seattle all scheduled for Suzanne, Linda, and I as well as fabulous dinner reservations. How could I even think of missing this once-in-a-life time event? But I did - I put my family first and until a couple of weeks ago I was sure that decision ended my friendship with Suzanne. I selfishly kept thinking, how could she not understand what we were going through? I called on her actual birthday a couple weeks later, no response. I wrote an email outlining what happened and why I made the decision I did, nothing. So very, very sad. I was crushed and was letting go of this so-called amazing friendship. This friendship must not be all that I prayed it was. The type of solid, rock hard friendship we all so deeply dream about and hope for. Where you can be 110% yourself - not worry what the other thinks. Cry with, laugh so hard you want to pee - those friendships don't ebb and flow much. So I was sure I was saying good-bye.

Than earlier this year (February I believe) a Bothell colleague passed away. I contacted both Suzanne and Linda via email to let them know. And this, this was the kick that got our friendship back on track. Next thing I knew, Suzanne was coming out early June to celebrate May birthdays (Linda & I both share end of May birthdays). I was sheepish, cautiously excited and even a little nervous. What would we say, would this be uncomfortable - who cares, I gotta know where we stand.

From the moment of our first sighting to our first hug and 3-bottles of champagne later (yes, 3-bottles - one for me, Suzanne, and Linda!) our friendship was as if time never passed. We cleared the air about that December 2006. Rightly so, Suzanne was crushed - how could I miss her 50th celebration!

I’ve read one of those email things about different types of friendships and how friends come into and out of your life for various reasons based on what life experience you are going through. I believe this to be true, absolutely. My best friend from elementary school – inseparable during those days, Christmas cards at best now-a-days. But there are friendships which are so deeply connected, life long joys that you know you don’t have to talk to every day, every week, or even every month – you know that person is there for you 100% without question or judgment. Thank you, Suzanne, for showing forgiveness, strength, love and joy, and true friendship.

Friendship - such a powerful word which evokes so many emotions. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, solid friends. And what I'm most proud of and excited about; blogging! Yes, I know - because I've learned I can share things that are scary and hard or exciting and new and all my wonderful friends are still with me. Encouraging me, loving me, crying and laughing with me all through this thing called life!

Here’s to you girlfriends – I honor and cherish each of you, thank you.

Thanks for reading,

Nick

Birthdays and Peanut Butter Princess

I recently celebrated a "5 birthday". You know, one of the years that ends in 5, sort of the mid-point until the next "0 birthday." Birthday time, for me, has always been strange. As a child we never made a huge deal about birthdays. Yes we celebrated with family and friends but it was much simpler (basic, dare I say). I suppose because it turns into a day where your close family and friends focus on you and wish you well. Which, don’t get me wrong, is truly wonderful and fantastic ... I think I'm uncomfortable with the focus on me. The attention, the well wishes, the explaining what your plans are, etc. Now that I'm X5 I say get over it and embrace the love, the joy, and the excitement of birthdays.

My dear, loving husband did a fabulous job planning my big birthday this year. All kept a secret. Except I did know something was up when he denied me my afternoon at a spa! The nerve - he more than made up for it!

My morning started way too early when Ben got up at 5:15a on a Saturday. So I took him back to bed (thankfully he now has a twin size!), got him his "hot apple juice", turned on his music and we both lay quietly - eventually falling back to sleep. Until 7:30a when the rest of my family entered, with food! Mommy was getting her first breakfast in bed ... well, Ben's bed but who cares. My boys were so sweet signing me happy birthday, eating my sweet food, and spilling the juice (all of it staying on the tray!). Who could ask for anything more?

It was off to kid haircuts and then drop-off at grandmas! My very kind and wonderful mother took the kids Saturday morning through Sunday evening. Bliss, I tell ya! As it turns out the kids had a fantastic time; love spending time with grandma and all the adventures they share.

I'm off to home to start MY quiet birthday. A complete surprise to me, though apparently not to some of my blog readers, Brian had planned a most romantic get-away; an evening at the Salish Lodge at Snoqualmie Falls. Talk about heaven; he arranged for every detail. I received an amazing hot-rock massage, major relaxation, a light dinner at the Attic overlooking the falls. Sleep, sleep, and sleep - almost a full 8-hrs, imagine that! Woke up to Brian bustling around only to learn we were having guests at 9a! What! ... a few of my closest friends, with Mimosa’s, Bloody Mary's, and coffee - what could be better. At about 9a knocks at the door came from our dear friends the Lundborg's and Shelley's. So amazingly thoughtful they wanted to share my birthday - talk about focus and center of attention - o, my! Our morning was splendid - shared many laughs over our morning beverages and then down for an amazing 2+ hour breakfast.

So maybe birthdays aren't so bad - besides, I found out last night from Ben that I was the Peanut Butter Princess. Who knew ... all because I made him a peanut butter and honey 1/2-bagel sandwich for lunch that day. How special am I?

Thank you to my amazing husband, dearest friends, and all well wishes. My X5 birthday was fantastic and I'm almost looking forward to celebrating the next one.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Commitment update

Another reason to feel guilty - sure, cuz mom's don't already feel enough of that! I've got noth'n, no real movement up or down on that darn scale. Coming into 2-1/2 months until HI - tick, tock. Who needs this level of pressure .. me, apparently! I honestly do pretty well throughout the day but once home all bets are off. Why ... cuz I'm hungry and don't know what to fix for dinner. Kids are crazy with excitement about their day and being home, want to eat but no one knows what to fix. So I snack, snack on most anything I can that's easy. Salty and sweet ... what could be better.

We all do the best we can and sometimes we can do better (this is me). I need someone to kick my sorry butt (literally and figuratively). Perhaps I should buy my HI swimsuit as my focus! That commercial for yogurt comes to mind, "she wore an itsy bitsy, teeny, weenie yellow poke-a-dot bikini." Promise no one will be seeing me in a bikini - certainly not an itsy bitsy one!

I'll get there ... anyone know a good personal trainer!

Thanks for reading and supporting me during this up-hill struggle.

Nick

Being a Mom ......

How would you fill in the blank? Probably depends on the day or even the moment. Every day brings new and exciting challenges being a parent. Today, mine was Ben. Sweet, loveable Ben. Ben will be 3 early July; he's very intelligent (thank you Montessori) and socially immature. For over a year we've had the same conversation with him; no hit, no throw, no kick, truly the list goes on. We would say, "he's only one" now we say "he's only two" Well he's getting ready to turn three and here we are.

Today was just as any other day in the life of the Fletcher crew. I arrived at school about 5p to pick up the kids; start with Carson who was eager and excited to see me. Stops his work and runs up to give me a big hug. Such a powerful feeling. We head down to pick up Ben. I walk in, notice a note on the white-board regarding the kids field trip tomorrow and I hear, "Mara (pause) Mara (pause) Mara." It was one of the teachers saying my name in a calm, nothing unusual or difference in her tone. We have a good, fun, humorous relationship. So I wasn't paying a lot of attention to her but rather trying to read about the field trip. As she walks over to me, she hands me an incident report and says "I'll just let you read it."

Imagine what I'm thinking at this point. The first section says "talked to Ben about his behavior and choices were not ok. He lost his play ground time." Okay, moving on to the section titled "Inappropriate behavior - he threw a plastic playhouse chair in a child's face causing the child to get a bloody nose."

How would you react? I can't even remember my initial reaction; shocked, horrified, sick to my stomach and silent. Of course I asked who, girl or boy? Girl and overall she is okay but has a bad mark on her nose. I signed the form, quickly gathered the kids and silently left the building.

Now what? I calmly explained to Ben he lost all privileges for the night and that he would be spending the night in his room. No blanket, no movie, no nothing but in your room; bath and dinner only. Didn't phase him. When asked why, "I don't know" he says with an infuriating smirk. Surprisingly I remained mostly calm. Brian got home and tried the same things - nothing got through; at least it seemed that way. Until it was time for bed and all he wanted was his blanket. Cried for about 2-hrs wanting his blanket. Both Brian and I went in and reminded him of his poor choice today and that he had lost blanket. Tomorrow was a new day and we'd work on being a big boy again in the morning.

I am so deeply angry and embarrassed (with myself), frustrated (with Ben & me), loads and loads of self doubt (the list is too long to go into but we can start with my new job), and all-in-all just want to have a good cry.

Being a Mom … is truly a life test. I’m horrible at taking tests but I’m not too proud to admit when I fail and on occasion pass. Today’s test; my fingers are still crossed that I pass.

Thanks for reading,
Nick