Bye-Bye Summer .. Hello Christmas

WHAT?? Yes, that is the number one question on my kids minds. Seems that we've returned from a glorious 2-week vacation in Hawaii, hit the ground running with back to school blues (and excitement; I'll let you determine which child of mine fits those adjectives). And now, we're onto Christmas - are you kidding me!

This past weekend was wonderful, we had perfect end of summer weather and great family time. My kids had a water fight in the back yard Sunday afternoon - how it warms my heart to hear the laughter of children - more so that they are getting along and having fun! But the questions about Santa and Christmas music before the leaves start falling - too much. I do, truly, love the holiday season and in October I start looking forward to the busy, hustle and bustle time but October, my dear children, is still (thankfully) 2-1/2 weeks away!

So as we close out another incredible summer, we look back fondly at our plans to slow things down and enjoy the short summer season (yah, how did that work for everyone) we move into fall, winter, and the start of another New Year where we re-make promises to stop, slow down and enjoy life and children who are growing up faster than parents expected. For me, I will always cherish our amazing "Fletcher's in Hawaii 2008" and my children having the time of their lives dousing each other with buckets of water to close out the summer of '08.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Friendship

Such a powerful word; a word which holds such deep meaning to so many. I recently shared an amazing over-night with some long lost friends. The story started about12-years ago when I started my first job out of college. Suzanne, we hit it off - two peas in a pod. She taught me so much as a young professional (okay, just learning how to become a professional, let's be realistic!). My middle name is Suzanne (spelled the same) so I was often referred to as the 'little Suzanne'. After a few years working together in the same office area, developing an amazing friendship, she became my boss. To say we went through hell and back is truly weak at best. Of course one of my most favorite moments was right after I started working for her, literally, only weeks. She was driving us to an evening business meeting full of high level ‘suits’, talking about the importance of honesty, integrity, open communication, blah - blah. And the reality hit that she had "lied" about the meeting to get me to the location of my engagement to Brian. She is an amazing friend; we've gone crazy together (one more than the other) and come back from it to say, "my gosh, how'd we survive."

Then the Christmas storm of 2006! I'm sure some of you can recall leaving the LFPM holiday concert with the high winds and sheets of rain. We had no power for 5-days; my young family was a mess at best and we were moving into my sister-in-laws house with her family. But my very dear friend Suzanne was coming into town, she had moved to AZ a year or so prior, to celebrate her 50th (sorry Suzanne - gotta mention the number to emphasize the importance of the event). I had time at a spa in downtown Seattle all scheduled for Suzanne, Linda, and I as well as fabulous dinner reservations. How could I even think of missing this once-in-a-life time event? But I did - I put my family first and until a couple of weeks ago I was sure that decision ended my friendship with Suzanne. I selfishly kept thinking, how could she not understand what we were going through? I called on her actual birthday a couple weeks later, no response. I wrote an email outlining what happened and why I made the decision I did, nothing. So very, very sad. I was crushed and was letting go of this so-called amazing friendship. This friendship must not be all that I prayed it was. The type of solid, rock hard friendship we all so deeply dream about and hope for. Where you can be 110% yourself - not worry what the other thinks. Cry with, laugh so hard you want to pee - those friendships don't ebb and flow much. So I was sure I was saying good-bye.

Than earlier this year (February I believe) a Bothell colleague passed away. I contacted both Suzanne and Linda via email to let them know. And this, this was the kick that got our friendship back on track. Next thing I knew, Suzanne was coming out early June to celebrate May birthdays (Linda & I both share end of May birthdays). I was sheepish, cautiously excited and even a little nervous. What would we say, would this be uncomfortable - who cares, I gotta know where we stand.

From the moment of our first sighting to our first hug and 3-bottles of champagne later (yes, 3-bottles - one for me, Suzanne, and Linda!) our friendship was as if time never passed. We cleared the air about that December 2006. Rightly so, Suzanne was crushed - how could I miss her 50th celebration!

I’ve read one of those email things about different types of friendships and how friends come into and out of your life for various reasons based on what life experience you are going through. I believe this to be true, absolutely. My best friend from elementary school – inseparable during those days, Christmas cards at best now-a-days. But there are friendships which are so deeply connected, life long joys that you know you don’t have to talk to every day, every week, or even every month – you know that person is there for you 100% without question or judgment. Thank you, Suzanne, for showing forgiveness, strength, love and joy, and true friendship.

Friendship - such a powerful word which evokes so many emotions. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, solid friends. And what I'm most proud of and excited about; blogging! Yes, I know - because I've learned I can share things that are scary and hard or exciting and new and all my wonderful friends are still with me. Encouraging me, loving me, crying and laughing with me all through this thing called life!

Here’s to you girlfriends – I honor and cherish each of you, thank you.

Thanks for reading,

Nick

Birthdays and Peanut Butter Princess

I recently celebrated a "5 birthday". You know, one of the years that ends in 5, sort of the mid-point until the next "0 birthday." Birthday time, for me, has always been strange. As a child we never made a huge deal about birthdays. Yes we celebrated with family and friends but it was much simpler (basic, dare I say). I suppose because it turns into a day where your close family and friends focus on you and wish you well. Which, don’t get me wrong, is truly wonderful and fantastic ... I think I'm uncomfortable with the focus on me. The attention, the well wishes, the explaining what your plans are, etc. Now that I'm X5 I say get over it and embrace the love, the joy, and the excitement of birthdays.

My dear, loving husband did a fabulous job planning my big birthday this year. All kept a secret. Except I did know something was up when he denied me my afternoon at a spa! The nerve - he more than made up for it!

My morning started way too early when Ben got up at 5:15a on a Saturday. So I took him back to bed (thankfully he now has a twin size!), got him his "hot apple juice", turned on his music and we both lay quietly - eventually falling back to sleep. Until 7:30a when the rest of my family entered, with food! Mommy was getting her first breakfast in bed ... well, Ben's bed but who cares. My boys were so sweet signing me happy birthday, eating my sweet food, and spilling the juice (all of it staying on the tray!). Who could ask for anything more?

It was off to kid haircuts and then drop-off at grandmas! My very kind and wonderful mother took the kids Saturday morning through Sunday evening. Bliss, I tell ya! As it turns out the kids had a fantastic time; love spending time with grandma and all the adventures they share.

I'm off to home to start MY quiet birthday. A complete surprise to me, though apparently not to some of my blog readers, Brian had planned a most romantic get-away; an evening at the Salish Lodge at Snoqualmie Falls. Talk about heaven; he arranged for every detail. I received an amazing hot-rock massage, major relaxation, a light dinner at the Attic overlooking the falls. Sleep, sleep, and sleep - almost a full 8-hrs, imagine that! Woke up to Brian bustling around only to learn we were having guests at 9a! What! ... a few of my closest friends, with Mimosa’s, Bloody Mary's, and coffee - what could be better. At about 9a knocks at the door came from our dear friends the Lundborg's and Shelley's. So amazingly thoughtful they wanted to share my birthday - talk about focus and center of attention - o, my! Our morning was splendid - shared many laughs over our morning beverages and then down for an amazing 2+ hour breakfast.

So maybe birthdays aren't so bad - besides, I found out last night from Ben that I was the Peanut Butter Princess. Who knew ... all because I made him a peanut butter and honey 1/2-bagel sandwich for lunch that day. How special am I?

Thank you to my amazing husband, dearest friends, and all well wishes. My X5 birthday was fantastic and I'm almost looking forward to celebrating the next one.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Commitment update

Another reason to feel guilty - sure, cuz mom's don't already feel enough of that! I've got noth'n, no real movement up or down on that darn scale. Coming into 2-1/2 months until HI - tick, tock. Who needs this level of pressure .. me, apparently! I honestly do pretty well throughout the day but once home all bets are off. Why ... cuz I'm hungry and don't know what to fix for dinner. Kids are crazy with excitement about their day and being home, want to eat but no one knows what to fix. So I snack, snack on most anything I can that's easy. Salty and sweet ... what could be better.

We all do the best we can and sometimes we can do better (this is me). I need someone to kick my sorry butt (literally and figuratively). Perhaps I should buy my HI swimsuit as my focus! That commercial for yogurt comes to mind, "she wore an itsy bitsy, teeny, weenie yellow poke-a-dot bikini." Promise no one will be seeing me in a bikini - certainly not an itsy bitsy one!

I'll get there ... anyone know a good personal trainer!

Thanks for reading and supporting me during this up-hill struggle.

Nick

Being a Mom ......

How would you fill in the blank? Probably depends on the day or even the moment. Every day brings new and exciting challenges being a parent. Today, mine was Ben. Sweet, loveable Ben. Ben will be 3 early July; he's very intelligent (thank you Montessori) and socially immature. For over a year we've had the same conversation with him; no hit, no throw, no kick, truly the list goes on. We would say, "he's only one" now we say "he's only two" Well he's getting ready to turn three and here we are.

Today was just as any other day in the life of the Fletcher crew. I arrived at school about 5p to pick up the kids; start with Carson who was eager and excited to see me. Stops his work and runs up to give me a big hug. Such a powerful feeling. We head down to pick up Ben. I walk in, notice a note on the white-board regarding the kids field trip tomorrow and I hear, "Mara (pause) Mara (pause) Mara." It was one of the teachers saying my name in a calm, nothing unusual or difference in her tone. We have a good, fun, humorous relationship. So I wasn't paying a lot of attention to her but rather trying to read about the field trip. As she walks over to me, she hands me an incident report and says "I'll just let you read it."

Imagine what I'm thinking at this point. The first section says "talked to Ben about his behavior and choices were not ok. He lost his play ground time." Okay, moving on to the section titled "Inappropriate behavior - he threw a plastic playhouse chair in a child's face causing the child to get a bloody nose."

How would you react? I can't even remember my initial reaction; shocked, horrified, sick to my stomach and silent. Of course I asked who, girl or boy? Girl and overall she is okay but has a bad mark on her nose. I signed the form, quickly gathered the kids and silently left the building.

Now what? I calmly explained to Ben he lost all privileges for the night and that he would be spending the night in his room. No blanket, no movie, no nothing but in your room; bath and dinner only. Didn't phase him. When asked why, "I don't know" he says with an infuriating smirk. Surprisingly I remained mostly calm. Brian got home and tried the same things - nothing got through; at least it seemed that way. Until it was time for bed and all he wanted was his blanket. Cried for about 2-hrs wanting his blanket. Both Brian and I went in and reminded him of his poor choice today and that he had lost blanket. Tomorrow was a new day and we'd work on being a big boy again in the morning.

I am so deeply angry and embarrassed (with myself), frustrated (with Ben & me), loads and loads of self doubt (the list is too long to go into but we can start with my new job), and all-in-all just want to have a good cry.

Being a Mom … is truly a life test. I’m horrible at taking tests but I’m not too proud to admit when I fail and on occasion pass. Today’s test; my fingers are still crossed that I pass.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Commitment

What does commitment mean to you? And how do you stick to those commitments or promises? Promise is a big word; when you promise to do something, anything, you are committing 100-percent of all you've got to accomplish that promise, right? For me this statement is completely true. When I promise to do something for an employee, co-worker, boss, friend, family member, husband, parents, and children - I honestly, sincerely do whatever it takes to "make it happen!" Not much can get in my way when I promise or commit to do something for anyone ... except when it comes to me!

Why is it so easy to break that promise or commitment to yourself? And I'm not just talking about New Year resolutions 'cuz we all know where most of those promises end up. But how ‘bout when I say, "okay, enough is enough - I will be a more patient parent or I will exercise, I will eat right, I will take the bus (no matter how much I highly dislike it!), I will take better care of myself, get more sleep, and give my new job all that I've got.” Truly my list could go on for miles.

I’m wondering why, when you make such commitments to yourself, are they so easy to break? Because I don’t hold myself accountable? Perhaps, that could be my reason. Sure I can beat myself up for eating that late night cookie and only feel guilt. I’m only letting myself down for not keeping to my promise. I’m not letting anyone else down, just me … what gives?

I suppose it is time for me to step up to the plate and hold myself accountable. First, in my defense, I feel I need to state that I’ve given into this new job thing. I have promised, mostly to Brian, but also myself that I will give this new job all that I have. And, well, I can honestly say – I am starting to let go of Bothell. Bothell is moving forward and I am to. A Seattle co-worker made a ‘stop-me-in-my-tracks’ comment the other day, “come on, this is your dream job.” And right there, she kept talking but I have no idea what she said. In my mind I thought, is it? So as I let go of Bothell and fully commit to my new job – I embrace it. And try so very hard not to feel so stupid most every minute of every day. It is a constant struggle but the possibilities of ‘making my footprint’ is truly exciting.

Anyway, back to accountability. We are headed to Hawaii in August, my family, the four of us. We are going with another couple, 2-weeks in complete bliss (even with my children!). Through blogging, as my source of accountability, I am going to lose weight (20-lbs is my goal, but will settle for 10-lbs by August). I am committing to becoming more active and actually following through on a promise/commitment I make to myself. Eating right; to be defined specifically but I know late night cookies are out. I will involve the family; kids are always active and running around, I commit to joining them. Let’s see if I can hit my goal in 2-1/2 months. I will blog my ups and down with this journey, as this will be my form of official accountability.

All this to begin … tomorrow!

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Transition (grieving and acceptance)

I have had a rather challenging time determining what my next blog post will focus on. My past blogs have been just that, focused on my past (except MS, which is daily). What an amazing and powerful experience! It is a scary thing to put yourself 'out-there'. Much to my honest surprise and pure joy everyone who has read my blog still loves me (you really love me!). How lucky I am to have such a strong and loving support system. A system I should have trusted and looked to a long time ago. I've had my darkest skeletons buried deep in my personal closet for far too many years. Always hiding and afraid what others would think of me. And while I suppose there may always be a piece of me worried what others will think I'm working hard to put that behind me. I give an enormous shout out (you all know who you are) to my amazingly caring, insightful, and wonderful support system who have been so strong for me. I truly can not tell you all how lucky and special I feel to have you in my life. Thank you!

Life is about transition (change). Some of us embrace it while others of us run like heck away from it. As much as I'd like to think I'm good with transition and change I think secretly not so much. I am a Gemini; while we have two personalities we also tend to get set in our ways, routine is our proverbial very best friend. Of course this may not be true for all Gemini’s but many of us fall into this life pattern. "Nothing stays the same." We've all heard that but have we REALLY heard it? Look at all the decisions you make daily; most small (what to eat for breakfast, what to wear) but some can be huge life changing ones (moving, taking on a new job, starting a family). And I believe often when we make decisions we also feel regret (grief).

Most everyone knows I have chosen to leave my job at UW Bothell. My workplace of choice for the past 12-years. My job straight out of college. I've grown so much, both personally and professionally. Starting out as an Office Assistant, growing to a Fiscal Specialist, to an Assistant to the Director, and finally to a Manager. I experienced this growth and transition in three different departments on the Bothell campus. Yes, I am proud of all I have accomplished. And yes, my past experience has allowed this new career opportunity and advancement ... but (did you all see that big but coming!). As Brian, so insightfully pointed out, "I'm grieving my loss of Bothell."

I've have willingly tossed my professional and family life routine up in the air and I'm still waiting (trying to be patient) for all the pieces to fall back into place (a new place). Change and patience - not my strongest personality traits. When all I really want to do is go running, full-bore, back to Bothell. Back to what I know, where I feel safe and comfortable, back to what I've helped shape and create. Maybe I'm not finished at Bothell, maybe there is more I want to do. In my mind, I'm constantly thinking about how and when I can get back to what I left. Full of self doubt and so uncomfortable with my decisions; both in my decision to leave Bothell and doubting my decision to take this new job. I suppose all very natural feelings when one makes such a life change but I gotta be honest when I say, these feelings suck!

Life transition, allowing myself to grieve and at some point accepting the decisions I have made. Tough to do. I had over a year to think about whether or not I would consider applying for the UW Seattle position. I looked hard, because I wanted to find all the glowing, blinking, enormous red flags to stop me - but I didn't find any. So I tossed my resume in the pile and was chosen as the successful hire. Who'd-a-thought! And while I am excited and proud of what I've accomplished - these feelings are buried too deep. The guilt, self-doubt, the what-the-heck was I thinking feelings are far too strong right now to focus on all that I've accomplished.

I will come to acceptance, eventually, with my decisions. And as Brian says very matter-of-factly, "we just make another decision." If UW Seattle was not the way to go (after giving it a fair shot) than we'll make another life changing decision. And while I agree with this statement, I do feel it is one which is easier said than done.

Thanks for reading,

Nick