1973 - 1999

Brian, my husband, has always told me, "your past makes you who you are today." It has taken me a long time to understand and truly believe this statement. Bless him for showing me this truth and for still wanting to marry me after he knew details of my skeleton's in the closet history.

My first blog entry, "Coelacanth" I signed off with a list of adjectives which one could use to describe titles for me. With this entry I plan to wrap up my history in almost one fell swoop so I can move forward; with life and with blogging! I certainly won't touch on every detail just the most painful and eventful of my life during this time period (26-yrs). This will probably turn into a long, drawn out entry - skim through as you please. The details may be boring for some but therapeutic for me.

May 31, 1973 - the day I was brought into this world. Perhaps a joyous day for some but I think for my natural mother, a sence of relief. I learned 32-yrs later that my VERY young natural mother had teminated two prior pregnancies. To this day I'm wondering why she didn't terminate me. I'm here for a reason ... I spent the first 6-weeks of my life in foster care; probably not so bad but I'm glad I don't remember this time. Though my parents who ended up adopting me were already experiencing difficulty in their marriage my mom always wanted a girl - they had adopted two boys already - and got a call that I had arrived and was ready for a home. Yes, all three of us were adopted, all from different natural parents. Thus began my life as Mara Suzanne Stevens; my mom wanted to name me Marcella. Thank you grandma for not allowing this - though, as mentioned in prior posts, Mara has also been a struggle. What's in a name ... for me, tons! This covers my "adopted daughter" title.

Survivor ... yes, I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a young child by a close family member. Boy, that's hard to write. I've never referred to myself as a survivor but I am - this remains a difficult topic and until this post only a hand-full of people knew about it. I did finally tell my mom, only a couple of years ago, which at the moment felt good to finally share but the topic has never been spoken of again and a certain level of expectation on her part remains for me to continue contact with this family member for which now (at age 34) I have finally decided I will not. Another struggle I will continue to work through ... because I am a survivor.

I married my "high-school sweetheart" ... I suppose you could say that. I met DR (official name withheld to protect the innocent) the summer I was to go into 10th grade, 1988. He graduated high school in June '88 ... what's he doing with an almost 10th grader, who knows! When I first met him I thought he was an arrogant jerk. But as the summer went on we started dating and I spent the rest of my high school years with him. I missed out on a lot because of this but I thought I was in-love, that DR was the right one for me. And it was petty cool to have the older boyfriend with a car ... but now, looking back all I can say is "really!" But at the time there was no getting through to me. I say "high-school sweetheart" because I spent 3-high school years with him, I do know he was not my first love or even a true, deep love. We went through a lot together (getting pregnant at 19 and terminating; sound familar ... see "adopted daughter" section above about my natural mother) but still ended up getting married when I was 21 (1994). I think we did this because we were supposed to - we'd talked about it for YEARS and there was a certain level of expectation, eventhough I knew the day I got married I shouldn't be walking down the isle. Through the twists and turns of young, married life (yes, I'm avoiding great detail here) we ended up divorced (hence the title, "ex-wife") late in 1996. The asorted details of this portion of my life may or may not be covered in a later blog. Remember I gotta protect the innocent here. For about 6-yrs we had no contact; than "MySpace" came about and he found a couple of my long-time dear friends. I've since learned he's living in OR, married with an adopted daughter and natural son. For DR I believe his life has come together nicely and for this I am truly happy.

Certainly from the day I was born in 1973 through 1999 when I married my true love, Brian there are many more details which make up who I am today ... the above entry represents the most ugly of the my skeleton's. The skeleton's Brian took as part of loving me for me - choosing me to spend the rest of his life with. What a special treasure and honor I plan to cherish forever.

Thanks for reading,
Nick