What does Mother's Day mean to you?

My hope for each mom ‘out-there’ is that Mother’s Day is significantly different from every other day on the calendar. To step away from the daily grind, without guilt, and take a bit of time for her. Unfortunately, I suspect for many this may not be the case – for whatever reason. I, personally, do not have a definition, an expectation, or dream about what Mother’s Day should be or how it should look. My only hope is that families don’t need a specific day on the calendar to be reminded about how special moms are and what they do for us each day.

Can all you mom’s out there honestly let go of the daily grind and actually relax? For an entire day; no obsessing over all that needs to be cleaned, organized, and planned. I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know how to truly relax (unless I’m on a beach in Hawaii, but then I just find other things to obsess over). Sure I can check out for a few hours; read a book, get a massage, whatever my choosing but in the back of my mind I’m thinking about what will need to be done when I get home. How far behind am I falling on my, admittedly self imposed, to do list. It’s a frustrating, crazy, vicious circle – how to stop the madness?

My Mother’s Day this year was nice, though I must admit there was a moment, out of pure frustration, I said I hated Mother’s Day (yes, I used the “h” word). So not fair to my wonderfully attentive husband who tries so hard to manage all life throws his way, especially moi! The kids were up super late Saturday night (11p, their usual bedtime is 730p) so I thought it best for them to sleep as long as they like. I got up and started cleaning the kitchen from the night before; family BBQ birthday party – good time had by all! Brian all but begs me to stop, “it’s Mother’s Day” he says. “I know” I respond back, “it’s no big deal, really. And it needs to get done.” Crazy Ben wanted so badly to bring me breakfast in bed, has been asking for weeks. But he got up so late and all I wanted was a quick English muffin – his disappointment ended quickly when he was able to help me open my surprise gifts.

My obsession with the Twilight saga continues and Brian mercifully continues to indulge me by getting me the 3-disc movie set – complete with 2-disc’s of special features. I am spoiled – all I wanted to do was run to the closest DVD player and veg. Along with the new Taylor Swift CD (yes, CD – I do not have an iPod) and a pineapple corer I was all set with a grand Mother’s Day celebration. But then Brian takes off mid-morning to spend time with his mom on her special day. He spends a few hours, comes home for a few minutes, and runs back out to kindly pick up his grandparents up North for a family dinner at Brian’s dad’s house. Perhaps I do have a secret expectation for Mother’s Day for which I did not truly realize (or shamefully acknowledge). I, clearly, very selfishly want ‘my’ time on ‘my’ day.

What would I have loved; my family breakfast no matter how much or how long; a few hours for me to watch my new DVD’s and take a long, hot shower – which is my favorite thing to do - and then reconnect with my family to do late afternoon plans. A nice balance between family time and me time; is that possible? Of course it is, especially if I actually mention to Brian that this is something I would like. Doesn’t have to be a Hallmark calendar day; any weekend day I know he’d do that for me. The problem for me; I’d have to communicate this need. I’d have to verbalize what I would like – getting my finger nails pulled out one by one would be easier and less painful than to ask Brian for some me time. There are many reasons why; stubborn (yes, my own worst enemy) fear of showing weakness, he has MS – he shouldn’t have to worry me and my needs (which, of course, drives him crazy), and I’ve never truly spoken up for myself. You do what needs to be done no matter the circumstances; my life motto {unfortunately}.

Clearly I’m a tad out of touch with the real world and I need to adjust my ways cuz it just ain't working for me or my family. I’m a stubborn protector of both my family and my heart. The anger and frustration builds and ultimately blows up and I wonder why so difficult to communicate? My mom is somewhat proud of her story raising myself and two older brothers with this comment she frequently shares. I didn’t have to talk; my brother’s did it for me. That speaks volumes today, without a doubt. I will find my own voice and own it; learning to speak up for myself – loud and proud, maybe that will be my wish when I blow out 36 candles in a couple of weeks.

So, what does Mother’s Day really mean to you? And how is it different than any other calendar day, or is it? The the challenge begin ...

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Do you know where your patience is?

I learned the other day, while waiting in line for Costco gas, that my kids' patience was on vacation ... in Hawaii! We laughed and I learned many things in those few moments about my children, and myself.

During the hustle and bustle of the holiday season my patience was at the North Pole with Santa. In other words, I had none. It was another crazy year, multiplied by 1,000 with the weather mess. Most every conversation about the holidays revolved around our crazy weather. But I learned what filled my heart with joy and peace is how important Santa is to my kids. Do you believe?

After hearing their stories about Santa, the elves, reindeer, and magic - I believe again. I should say, this peacefulness was only felt when I stopped long enough to listen, really listen. When I found the patience to stop making lists, decorating the house, cleaning bathrooms, wrapping gifts, making cookies, shoveling the driveway again and again and again. When I stopped all this stuff and focused on being a mom I learned so much about patience and the spirit of Christmas through my children's heart and soul.

As we enter another New Year and the promises we all are making to ourselves remember that there's no way to be a perfect Mother and a million ways to be a good one.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Feeling Proud

Back in late May / early June, just two short months after starting my new position with the UW Libraries, I was told I would be "teaching HR to all the Library Supervisors." Imagine my reaction, I actually said (quietly) 'no sh*t'. Though there was a piece of me feeling excited but of course totally overwhelmed. Another month or so down the road the same co-worker who told me I'd be doing this offered to get me a coach. "A what?" A coach, to help pull the information together, keeps you on track, to guide you, etc. Okay I said not really knowing what this arrangement would look like. One key word left out of the coaching description, Accountable!

So for the next several months I met with my amazing coach, weekly - how I dreaded Wednesday mornings. We pulled the information together, she was great, though I was still scrambling the night before my first (of many more to come) HR presentations.

I need to step back for a moment and briefly mention something that has turned into a key piece for me, hence helping me feel proud of myself (not something I EVER say about me!). The University has a program for supervisors called Supervisor Leadership Program. The Libraries tailored this program, to have a Libraries specific focus, and will be running all approx 120 supervisors through the program over the next several months. The program is four full-days spread over two weeks. It's a long haul and no one truly wants to be there.

November was the kick-off session to this program. I was a student and a teacher, in the room with 21 other Library supervisors with a huge range of seniority. From Associate Deans to front line supervisors - we were all in the room together. And yet, everyone was comfortable to share experiences (the good and not so good) even if their bosses boss was in the room – truly an amazing group of people.

My presentation was the morning of day three, my nerves were frazzled but my nervousness ended quickly. My session ran long so I was unable to cover all that I'd hoped, I couldn't answer all the questions or provide great examples of the policies I was presenting but ... the room was fully engaged. This group of supervisors, from the top down, was truly interested in what I had to say. I believe most were wanting to see me, get to know me and a small peak into my personality. To know that I'm 100% different from the person who held my position for 35-yrs. To best describe the feeling - all the supervisors were truly thirsty for the information, any information, they drank it up - every one.

Many thanked me for presenting, the evaluations were positive and though initially full of self-doubt and focusing on what didn't work I surprisingly shut those feelings down and really started listening to what folks were saying. That's when I got it - the supervisor's have been locked out of knowing anything about how to be a supervisor with regard to personnel; policy, procedures and everything in-between. Amazing, truly and no wonder they 'drank up' the information I shared.

What an incredible feeling - truly, I think for the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. Shocking, really, and such an unusual feeling for me. Mind you I’ve graduated from college, gotten married, and birthed two children - never truly, deeply proud of myself for those amazing accomplishments. Then, the second most amazing piece happened - what really pushed me over the top.

Remember those Associate Dean's I was mentioning? The last day we were put into coaching groups. Four people per group the goal - to bring an issue you, as a supervisor, are working on and have the others in your group help coach you through it. My group; all the Associate Deans (whom I adore) and me! Now, I think the underlying reason for this group was so the HR Manager and the Associate Deans were not in groups with the front line supervisors. I get it, they want all to speak freely, okay fine. But I gotta say, when I saw my name in the same group as the Associate Dean's - I was jumping for joy inside. I had the most amazing level of self confidence I've ever had in my life. I was with the top group, the Associate Deans - all head of major Libraries or huge areas of the Libraries. Incredible - I was one of them.

These moments hit me like someone hitting me on the forehead saying, Duh - told ya! I am always so full of self doubt that I never think of myself as a place of resource, or that I could ever really be picked and play for the winning team. Now I know differently.

I'm finally, after 35-years on earth, feeling proud of me! And, just as important - it's okay to be a tad self-centered - I did it, I accomplished something huge.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

What are you passionate about?

I want to be excited about my life – so why aren’t I? Perhaps because I’m notorious for looking at life with the glass half empty view. Why so jaded? Don’t know – but it’s exhausting. Deep down I know how truly fortunate I am, really I do.

• Who could ask for a better “lemon drop” husband who thinks the world of me, everyday? Who loves me for who I am (no matter how crazy I can get) and makes me laugh daily.

• My children, how truly blessed I am to have two thoughtful and amazing children who make me smile and laugh daily no matter what’s going on around us.

• My extended family – the majority of whom all live in Washington and are here to love and support me and my family without hesitation.

• My dear, dear friends whom I cherish daily and am so very thankful for.

• My career – yes, incredibly challenging and I don’t love it daily but I have a job in my field of study that pays the bills (mostly).

So what’s the problem? Why the feelings of anger, frustration, exhaustion, and guilt (to name a few)? Is it because I don’t have a passion for life? Why on a daily basis life becomes such a chore – the responsibilities are huge and the pressures I lay upon myself are astronomical. And again I ask, why? Someone once told me, several years ago, I was “so irrational”. And of course that ticked me off – but I’ve never forgotten it because I think there is some truth behind it.

I want to be excited about my life – to have a passion for me, outside my family and other responsibilities. Not reserved and quiet but able to speak up and truly be excited for me and others I love and support. Something for me, of course I’m too nervous, self-conscious, worried what others will think to truly ‘let my hair down’ but as a first step, my passion doesn’t have to push the limits. But what is that passion? What fires me up, something I can’t wait to do? Is it dancing (no, to afraid what others will think and I have to be perfect the first time). What about sports; soccer, swimming, running. Good, but a lot of time, money, and energy. Clearly I can talk myself out of anything. Decorating/designing – again, good but expensive and my thoughts/tastes don’t always balance with others who live in my house. What’s out there for me and how do I find it?

I don’t know – do you know your passion, outside of your family? I challenge you to find it – something you truly love (I say again, outside of family). Is it crafting, photography, scrapbooking, painting, theatre – think about what truly excites you and follow it. Cut out time in your day or week to grow this passion – when I find mine, that’s my plan!

As I continue to ponder these thoughts, I will look for a life passion maybe even try something out! I need to find myself as I don’t truly believe I’ve ever really known myself but rather how I believe everyone else thinks I should be.

Writing – I enjoy writing. I express and communicate better through writing …hummmm, maybe that’s an avenue I explore.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Bye-Bye Summer .. Hello Christmas

WHAT?? Yes, that is the number one question on my kids minds. Seems that we've returned from a glorious 2-week vacation in Hawaii, hit the ground running with back to school blues (and excitement; I'll let you determine which child of mine fits those adjectives). And now, we're onto Christmas - are you kidding me!

This past weekend was wonderful, we had perfect end of summer weather and great family time. My kids had a water fight in the back yard Sunday afternoon - how it warms my heart to hear the laughter of children - more so that they are getting along and having fun! But the questions about Santa and Christmas music before the leaves start falling - too much. I do, truly, love the holiday season and in October I start looking forward to the busy, hustle and bustle time but October, my dear children, is still (thankfully) 2-1/2 weeks away!

So as we close out another incredible summer, we look back fondly at our plans to slow things down and enjoy the short summer season (yah, how did that work for everyone) we move into fall, winter, and the start of another New Year where we re-make promises to stop, slow down and enjoy life and children who are growing up faster than parents expected. For me, I will always cherish our amazing "Fletcher's in Hawaii 2008" and my children having the time of their lives dousing each other with buckets of water to close out the summer of '08.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Friendship

Such a powerful word; a word which holds such deep meaning to so many. I recently shared an amazing over-night with some long lost friends. The story started about12-years ago when I started my first job out of college. Suzanne, we hit it off - two peas in a pod. She taught me so much as a young professional (okay, just learning how to become a professional, let's be realistic!). My middle name is Suzanne (spelled the same) so I was often referred to as the 'little Suzanne'. After a few years working together in the same office area, developing an amazing friendship, she became my boss. To say we went through hell and back is truly weak at best. Of course one of my most favorite moments was right after I started working for her, literally, only weeks. She was driving us to an evening business meeting full of high level ‘suits’, talking about the importance of honesty, integrity, open communication, blah - blah. And the reality hit that she had "lied" about the meeting to get me to the location of my engagement to Brian. She is an amazing friend; we've gone crazy together (one more than the other) and come back from it to say, "my gosh, how'd we survive."

Then the Christmas storm of 2006! I'm sure some of you can recall leaving the LFPM holiday concert with the high winds and sheets of rain. We had no power for 5-days; my young family was a mess at best and we were moving into my sister-in-laws house with her family. But my very dear friend Suzanne was coming into town, she had moved to AZ a year or so prior, to celebrate her 50th (sorry Suzanne - gotta mention the number to emphasize the importance of the event). I had time at a spa in downtown Seattle all scheduled for Suzanne, Linda, and I as well as fabulous dinner reservations. How could I even think of missing this once-in-a-life time event? But I did - I put my family first and until a couple of weeks ago I was sure that decision ended my friendship with Suzanne. I selfishly kept thinking, how could she not understand what we were going through? I called on her actual birthday a couple weeks later, no response. I wrote an email outlining what happened and why I made the decision I did, nothing. So very, very sad. I was crushed and was letting go of this so-called amazing friendship. This friendship must not be all that I prayed it was. The type of solid, rock hard friendship we all so deeply dream about and hope for. Where you can be 110% yourself - not worry what the other thinks. Cry with, laugh so hard you want to pee - those friendships don't ebb and flow much. So I was sure I was saying good-bye.

Than earlier this year (February I believe) a Bothell colleague passed away. I contacted both Suzanne and Linda via email to let them know. And this, this was the kick that got our friendship back on track. Next thing I knew, Suzanne was coming out early June to celebrate May birthdays (Linda & I both share end of May birthdays). I was sheepish, cautiously excited and even a little nervous. What would we say, would this be uncomfortable - who cares, I gotta know where we stand.

From the moment of our first sighting to our first hug and 3-bottles of champagne later (yes, 3-bottles - one for me, Suzanne, and Linda!) our friendship was as if time never passed. We cleared the air about that December 2006. Rightly so, Suzanne was crushed - how could I miss her 50th celebration!

I’ve read one of those email things about different types of friendships and how friends come into and out of your life for various reasons based on what life experience you are going through. I believe this to be true, absolutely. My best friend from elementary school – inseparable during those days, Christmas cards at best now-a-days. But there are friendships which are so deeply connected, life long joys that you know you don’t have to talk to every day, every week, or even every month – you know that person is there for you 100% without question or judgment. Thank you, Suzanne, for showing forgiveness, strength, love and joy, and true friendship.

Friendship - such a powerful word which evokes so many emotions. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, solid friends. And what I'm most proud of and excited about; blogging! Yes, I know - because I've learned I can share things that are scary and hard or exciting and new and all my wonderful friends are still with me. Encouraging me, loving me, crying and laughing with me all through this thing called life!

Here’s to you girlfriends – I honor and cherish each of you, thank you.

Thanks for reading,

Nick

Birthdays and Peanut Butter Princess

I recently celebrated a "5 birthday". You know, one of the years that ends in 5, sort of the mid-point until the next "0 birthday." Birthday time, for me, has always been strange. As a child we never made a huge deal about birthdays. Yes we celebrated with family and friends but it was much simpler (basic, dare I say). I suppose because it turns into a day where your close family and friends focus on you and wish you well. Which, don’t get me wrong, is truly wonderful and fantastic ... I think I'm uncomfortable with the focus on me. The attention, the well wishes, the explaining what your plans are, etc. Now that I'm X5 I say get over it and embrace the love, the joy, and the excitement of birthdays.

My dear, loving husband did a fabulous job planning my big birthday this year. All kept a secret. Except I did know something was up when he denied me my afternoon at a spa! The nerve - he more than made up for it!

My morning started way too early when Ben got up at 5:15a on a Saturday. So I took him back to bed (thankfully he now has a twin size!), got him his "hot apple juice", turned on his music and we both lay quietly - eventually falling back to sleep. Until 7:30a when the rest of my family entered, with food! Mommy was getting her first breakfast in bed ... well, Ben's bed but who cares. My boys were so sweet signing me happy birthday, eating my sweet food, and spilling the juice (all of it staying on the tray!). Who could ask for anything more?

It was off to kid haircuts and then drop-off at grandmas! My very kind and wonderful mother took the kids Saturday morning through Sunday evening. Bliss, I tell ya! As it turns out the kids had a fantastic time; love spending time with grandma and all the adventures they share.

I'm off to home to start MY quiet birthday. A complete surprise to me, though apparently not to some of my blog readers, Brian had planned a most romantic get-away; an evening at the Salish Lodge at Snoqualmie Falls. Talk about heaven; he arranged for every detail. I received an amazing hot-rock massage, major relaxation, a light dinner at the Attic overlooking the falls. Sleep, sleep, and sleep - almost a full 8-hrs, imagine that! Woke up to Brian bustling around only to learn we were having guests at 9a! What! ... a few of my closest friends, with Mimosa’s, Bloody Mary's, and coffee - what could be better. At about 9a knocks at the door came from our dear friends the Lundborg's and Shelley's. So amazingly thoughtful they wanted to share my birthday - talk about focus and center of attention - o, my! Our morning was splendid - shared many laughs over our morning beverages and then down for an amazing 2+ hour breakfast.

So maybe birthdays aren't so bad - besides, I found out last night from Ben that I was the Peanut Butter Princess. Who knew ... all because I made him a peanut butter and honey 1/2-bagel sandwich for lunch that day. How special am I?

Thank you to my amazing husband, dearest friends, and all well wishes. My X5 birthday was fantastic and I'm almost looking forward to celebrating the next one.

Thanks for reading,
Nick