Abandonment

This past spring I had a rather interesting life wake up call or rather a slap upside the head. And through this recognition I realized a piece of that slap was that I have a fear of abandonment. This statement is huge and I follow that statement with; there isn't a male figure in my life who hasn't left me. Rather harsh statement - let me explain.

For those who have read my prior posts you know I'm adopted. Point one; my natural parents abandoned me. I'm thankful for the decision they made as a very young couple - abandonment none the less.

My parents divorced when I was 3-yrs old. My father and I have never had one of those amazing father/daughter relationships. He was not a true, active parent in my life and while he didn't fully abandon me, he was an extremely absent parent.

My brothers; oldest 9-yrs older than I and was never part of my life - then or now. Other brother is just 3-yrs older but we were never close growing up and he left (under horribly strained conditions with my mom) when I was in 6th grade.

My grandfather was an incredible man who passed away too early in my young life. I desperately miss him and wish for more time. I would look at his role in my life as an almost exception to my original statement. He lived in Michigan but visited every winter; spending 3-4 months at a time.

Uncles were not a huge part of my life as none of them lived close enough to have any regular contact.

My life growing up did not have a huge male influence (not that this is required to grow up a strong woman) and what I learned through life experience was male figures in my life do not stick around. Growing up sabotaging relationships was my thing; he's going to leave anyway why not push him away to save myself. Or, do and say whatever is necessary to keep the relationship strong so he won't go away. Not a healthy way to view life ...

And then Brian came bounding into my life and I embraced the idea of him and all he was with both arms. Our 11-yrs of marriage has been incredible; lowest of low to highest of high moments. All shared, together ... a team and partnership (now more than ever) and I'm taking steps to finally believe him when he tells me, "I'm not leaving."

I have a very long road to a healthy state of being. I do believe and feel deeply this step, acknowledgment for me is enormous. Now what ?? What do I do with this - remember it, work through it, and trust.

Thanks for reading,

Nic

Emotions

Emotions remind you you're alive - you take the good with the bad, the difficulties with the joy, disappointment, frustrations, excitement and love. The emotional rollercoaster can leave a pit in your stomach with a smile of pure joy on your face; simultaneous.

Here’s a peak into the Fletcher household of emotions, thus far, for 2010:

January

Kicking off the year, as previously noted, with the celebration of Brian's 40th birthday. The end of January brought Brian to an out-patient surgery, thus providing much anxiety (fear) for the kids.

February

brought me an unexpected opportunity to seek employment outside the UW Libraries. A welcome change but alas, I was not the "chosen one." The excitement over possibilities and new challenges, nervousness of interviewing, and disappointment of not being the department’s first choice … challenging emotions to work through. But ultimately, no matter the outcome - I firmly believe pushing yourself / challenging yourself is one of the keys to life.

March

brought home our first family fish; Chowder Goober Fletcher. Technically it was Ben’s fish he decided to share with the family. Anyone want to take a guess at how long the “cool factor” lasted for the kids? And who embraced yet another opportunity to feed another mouth and wipe another … (y'all know how I end this thought ...).

More importantly for March it brought Brian’s annual MS appointment which this year included an MRI. 2002 was the last time the picture of his brain was taken. Emotions were running high that afternoon. Before I move on to the emotional results, I *must* digress. As noted in a prior post, Brian’s original doctor moved to Stanford University to be on faculty and head the MS research center. An incredible opportunity for him, however, I honestly continue to grieve this loss. As exciting as it is to have this man heading MS research to help millions of patients stricken with this debilitating disease – I’m selfish enough to say I wish he was still Brian’s doctor. Moving on … the results; we are so blessed to have heard, “no new lesions”, in 8-yrs are you seriously confirming nothing new? Yep – let’s scream it from the roof top, “Halleluiah” Not without daily symptoms but nothing new. Dr. Dunn has my deepest and forever gratitude. And to Brian, for giving himself a daily injection for 10-solid years – nicely done.

March also brought Carson’s first ever elementary school dance. Really – first grade! We had a blast; it was so much fun to be crazy, laugh and dance with my boys. Carson was so proud to show off his dance moves he’d learned in PE class. The Chicken dance, Electric Slide, Macarena, YMCA, so many others – we got to meet a few of his friends (girls – all night this sweet group of girls trying to get him to dance!).

April

sadly, as we welcomed April we had to say good-bye to Chowder, the family fish. Ben was crushed - still is, very sad and somewhat emotional. Chowder rests in our backyard, a gentle fish eulogy was said, and Ben visits daily.

The month of April has brought a 10+ year labor of love for Brian to a close. While official word remains outstanding – he has finished his undergraduate degree from Skidmore College (University without Walls). All Brian wants to do is shout from any roof top, "I’m done!!" I’m much more reserved (as most of you know) and am cautiously excited for him. Without my hopes getting too high I wait for the diploma to arrive. This drives Brian crazy – could you at least pretend to be excited, he asks? Of course I am – but there are also a slew of other emotions I’m feeling. The biggest being; how to handle his re-entry into our family life. Much tougher on me than probably anyone else. More to come on this huge piece of my life in a later blog. Too much to wrap my head around right now …

April also brought a trip to visit my dad; as noted in a prior post he is suffering the devastating disease, Alzheimer’s. He knew me … never called me by my name, but why would he? He didn’t really know my family but as usual he covered so no one knew the wiser (or so he thinks). He can still put that mask on for the public, to show he’s ok. I suppose that works until you start having a conversation with him, well let’s be honest – you can’t have a conversation with him. He gets confused mid sentence and keeps going. He mixes stories from years ago and has zero short term memory. He is easily confused and disoriented – he is not my dad. The dad I’ve known for 35 plus years – this man is gone. Replaced with someone who physically looks like him, though he’s starting to look a whole lot like his big sister, sounds like him – but, it’s not him. This, of course is sad on so many levels, however – he and I never shared a close father/daughter relationship so my heart is not really broken for me. It is broken for my step-mom, who is also coming to terms that this is not the man she fell in love with and married 25+ years ago. This acknowledgment holds my sadness.

Much more to come for April ….

May

will bring Brian’s graduation, he wants to walk at commencement. Yep, that equals a trip to New York. Yikes … I have mixed feelings of this adventure, as Brian knows, but what an important step for him; long awaited closure to this drawn out chapter of his life.

The month of May will also bring about another birthday for me. Anyone who knows me will be stunned, shocked really when I say – I think I want a birthday gathering this year. Did anyone else here the gasp … Not sure why, I’ve never been one to celebrate but I’m feeling it this year. It’s not a big birthday just another step toward the next big one – what the heck, why not celebrate.

June

will bring about my absolute favorite weekend of the year – when my incredible friend from AZ comes up for her annual visit. Plane tickets purchased, hotel coordinated – let the fun begin. You can note a prior post titled, “Friendship” to get the full impact of Suzanne on my life. You can bet there will be a future post about this incredible weekend later!

________________________

seems this blog post has turned more into a summary of my life; how 2010 has gone thus far. Each day brings a new ride on the emotional rollercoaster I seem to be riding this year. I continue to search for me; to remove the facade of what I want people to see (to shed that outer skin, as one friend referred) and start living my true life. Baby steps indeed but this is my priority this year. An incredible emotional road lies ahead for me - I can feel it. That's okay; emotions remind you you're alive!

Thanks for reading,

Nick

I'm Back ...

My gosh ... what happened to my writing? Life took over, couldn't access my blog account, but now - I'm back. Plan to write more as I feel 2010 will have many crazy times, big decisions, and life moments to share.

2010 kicked off with Brian's 40th celebration. Such a grand time, who knew I could get 76 people in my house. So full of love, joy, and excitement for Brian. He knew "we were have some people over" but nothing more. I couldn't have pulled off such a fabulous event without the incredible support of amazing family and friends. My love and deepest gratitude to all.

What does Mother's Day mean to you?

My hope for each mom ‘out-there’ is that Mother’s Day is significantly different from every other day on the calendar. To step away from the daily grind, without guilt, and take a bit of time for her. Unfortunately, I suspect for many this may not be the case – for whatever reason. I, personally, do not have a definition, an expectation, or dream about what Mother’s Day should be or how it should look. My only hope is that families don’t need a specific day on the calendar to be reminded about how special moms are and what they do for us each day.

Can all you mom’s out there honestly let go of the daily grind and actually relax? For an entire day; no obsessing over all that needs to be cleaned, organized, and planned. I’ve mentioned before, I don’t know how to truly relax (unless I’m on a beach in Hawaii, but then I just find other things to obsess over). Sure I can check out for a few hours; read a book, get a massage, whatever my choosing but in the back of my mind I’m thinking about what will need to be done when I get home. How far behind am I falling on my, admittedly self imposed, to do list. It’s a frustrating, crazy, vicious circle – how to stop the madness?

My Mother’s Day this year was nice, though I must admit there was a moment, out of pure frustration, I said I hated Mother’s Day (yes, I used the “h” word). So not fair to my wonderfully attentive husband who tries so hard to manage all life throws his way, especially moi! The kids were up super late Saturday night (11p, their usual bedtime is 730p) so I thought it best for them to sleep as long as they like. I got up and started cleaning the kitchen from the night before; family BBQ birthday party – good time had by all! Brian all but begs me to stop, “it’s Mother’s Day” he says. “I know” I respond back, “it’s no big deal, really. And it needs to get done.” Crazy Ben wanted so badly to bring me breakfast in bed, has been asking for weeks. But he got up so late and all I wanted was a quick English muffin – his disappointment ended quickly when he was able to help me open my surprise gifts.

My obsession with the Twilight saga continues and Brian mercifully continues to indulge me by getting me the 3-disc movie set – complete with 2-disc’s of special features. I am spoiled – all I wanted to do was run to the closest DVD player and veg. Along with the new Taylor Swift CD (yes, CD – I do not have an iPod) and a pineapple corer I was all set with a grand Mother’s Day celebration. But then Brian takes off mid-morning to spend time with his mom on her special day. He spends a few hours, comes home for a few minutes, and runs back out to kindly pick up his grandparents up North for a family dinner at Brian’s dad’s house. Perhaps I do have a secret expectation for Mother’s Day for which I did not truly realize (or shamefully acknowledge). I, clearly, very selfishly want ‘my’ time on ‘my’ day.

What would I have loved; my family breakfast no matter how much or how long; a few hours for me to watch my new DVD’s and take a long, hot shower – which is my favorite thing to do - and then reconnect with my family to do late afternoon plans. A nice balance between family time and me time; is that possible? Of course it is, especially if I actually mention to Brian that this is something I would like. Doesn’t have to be a Hallmark calendar day; any weekend day I know he’d do that for me. The problem for me; I’d have to communicate this need. I’d have to verbalize what I would like – getting my finger nails pulled out one by one would be easier and less painful than to ask Brian for some me time. There are many reasons why; stubborn (yes, my own worst enemy) fear of showing weakness, he has MS – he shouldn’t have to worry me and my needs (which, of course, drives him crazy), and I’ve never truly spoken up for myself. You do what needs to be done no matter the circumstances; my life motto {unfortunately}.

Clearly I’m a tad out of touch with the real world and I need to adjust my ways cuz it just ain't working for me or my family. I’m a stubborn protector of both my family and my heart. The anger and frustration builds and ultimately blows up and I wonder why so difficult to communicate? My mom is somewhat proud of her story raising myself and two older brothers with this comment she frequently shares. I didn’t have to talk; my brother’s did it for me. That speaks volumes today, without a doubt. I will find my own voice and own it; learning to speak up for myself – loud and proud, maybe that will be my wish when I blow out 36 candles in a couple of weeks.

So, what does Mother’s Day really mean to you? And how is it different than any other calendar day, or is it? The the challenge begin ...

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Do you know where your patience is?

I learned the other day, while waiting in line for Costco gas, that my kids' patience was on vacation ... in Hawaii! We laughed and I learned many things in those few moments about my children, and myself.

During the hustle and bustle of the holiday season my patience was at the North Pole with Santa. In other words, I had none. It was another crazy year, multiplied by 1,000 with the weather mess. Most every conversation about the holidays revolved around our crazy weather. But I learned what filled my heart with joy and peace is how important Santa is to my kids. Do you believe?

After hearing their stories about Santa, the elves, reindeer, and magic - I believe again. I should say, this peacefulness was only felt when I stopped long enough to listen, really listen. When I found the patience to stop making lists, decorating the house, cleaning bathrooms, wrapping gifts, making cookies, shoveling the driveway again and again and again. When I stopped all this stuff and focused on being a mom I learned so much about patience and the spirit of Christmas through my children's heart and soul.

As we enter another New Year and the promises we all are making to ourselves remember that there's no way to be a perfect Mother and a million ways to be a good one.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Feeling Proud

Back in late May / early June, just two short months after starting my new position with the UW Libraries, I was told I would be "teaching HR to all the Library Supervisors." Imagine my reaction, I actually said (quietly) 'no sh*t'. Though there was a piece of me feeling excited but of course totally overwhelmed. Another month or so down the road the same co-worker who told me I'd be doing this offered to get me a coach. "A what?" A coach, to help pull the information together, keeps you on track, to guide you, etc. Okay I said not really knowing what this arrangement would look like. One key word left out of the coaching description, Accountable!

So for the next several months I met with my amazing coach, weekly - how I dreaded Wednesday mornings. We pulled the information together, she was great, though I was still scrambling the night before my first (of many more to come) HR presentations.

I need to step back for a moment and briefly mention something that has turned into a key piece for me, hence helping me feel proud of myself (not something I EVER say about me!). The University has a program for supervisors called Supervisor Leadership Program. The Libraries tailored this program, to have a Libraries specific focus, and will be running all approx 120 supervisors through the program over the next several months. The program is four full-days spread over two weeks. It's a long haul and no one truly wants to be there.

November was the kick-off session to this program. I was a student and a teacher, in the room with 21 other Library supervisors with a huge range of seniority. From Associate Deans to front line supervisors - we were all in the room together. And yet, everyone was comfortable to share experiences (the good and not so good) even if their bosses boss was in the room – truly an amazing group of people.

My presentation was the morning of day three, my nerves were frazzled but my nervousness ended quickly. My session ran long so I was unable to cover all that I'd hoped, I couldn't answer all the questions or provide great examples of the policies I was presenting but ... the room was fully engaged. This group of supervisors, from the top down, was truly interested in what I had to say. I believe most were wanting to see me, get to know me and a small peak into my personality. To know that I'm 100% different from the person who held my position for 35-yrs. To best describe the feeling - all the supervisors were truly thirsty for the information, any information, they drank it up - every one.

Many thanked me for presenting, the evaluations were positive and though initially full of self-doubt and focusing on what didn't work I surprisingly shut those feelings down and really started listening to what folks were saying. That's when I got it - the supervisor's have been locked out of knowing anything about how to be a supervisor with regard to personnel; policy, procedures and everything in-between. Amazing, truly and no wonder they 'drank up' the information I shared.

What an incredible feeling - truly, I think for the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. Shocking, really, and such an unusual feeling for me. Mind you I’ve graduated from college, gotten married, and birthed two children - never truly, deeply proud of myself for those amazing accomplishments. Then, the second most amazing piece happened - what really pushed me over the top.

Remember those Associate Dean's I was mentioning? The last day we were put into coaching groups. Four people per group the goal - to bring an issue you, as a supervisor, are working on and have the others in your group help coach you through it. My group; all the Associate Deans (whom I adore) and me! Now, I think the underlying reason for this group was so the HR Manager and the Associate Deans were not in groups with the front line supervisors. I get it, they want all to speak freely, okay fine. But I gotta say, when I saw my name in the same group as the Associate Dean's - I was jumping for joy inside. I had the most amazing level of self confidence I've ever had in my life. I was with the top group, the Associate Deans - all head of major Libraries or huge areas of the Libraries. Incredible - I was one of them.

These moments hit me like someone hitting me on the forehead saying, Duh - told ya! I am always so full of self doubt that I never think of myself as a place of resource, or that I could ever really be picked and play for the winning team. Now I know differently.

I'm finally, after 35-years on earth, feeling proud of me! And, just as important - it's okay to be a tad self-centered - I did it, I accomplished something huge.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

What are you passionate about?

I want to be excited about my life – so why aren’t I? Perhaps because I’m notorious for looking at life with the glass half empty view. Why so jaded? Don’t know – but it’s exhausting. Deep down I know how truly fortunate I am, really I do.

• Who could ask for a better “lemon drop” husband who thinks the world of me, everyday? Who loves me for who I am (no matter how crazy I can get) and makes me laugh daily.

• My children, how truly blessed I am to have two thoughtful and amazing children who make me smile and laugh daily no matter what’s going on around us.

• My extended family – the majority of whom all live in Washington and are here to love and support me and my family without hesitation.

• My dear, dear friends whom I cherish daily and am so very thankful for.

• My career – yes, incredibly challenging and I don’t love it daily but I have a job in my field of study that pays the bills (mostly).

So what’s the problem? Why the feelings of anger, frustration, exhaustion, and guilt (to name a few)? Is it because I don’t have a passion for life? Why on a daily basis life becomes such a chore – the responsibilities are huge and the pressures I lay upon myself are astronomical. And again I ask, why? Someone once told me, several years ago, I was “so irrational”. And of course that ticked me off – but I’ve never forgotten it because I think there is some truth behind it.

I want to be excited about my life – to have a passion for me, outside my family and other responsibilities. Not reserved and quiet but able to speak up and truly be excited for me and others I love and support. Something for me, of course I’m too nervous, self-conscious, worried what others will think to truly ‘let my hair down’ but as a first step, my passion doesn’t have to push the limits. But what is that passion? What fires me up, something I can’t wait to do? Is it dancing (no, to afraid what others will think and I have to be perfect the first time). What about sports; soccer, swimming, running. Good, but a lot of time, money, and energy. Clearly I can talk myself out of anything. Decorating/designing – again, good but expensive and my thoughts/tastes don’t always balance with others who live in my house. What’s out there for me and how do I find it?

I don’t know – do you know your passion, outside of your family? I challenge you to find it – something you truly love (I say again, outside of family). Is it crafting, photography, scrapbooking, painting, theatre – think about what truly excites you and follow it. Cut out time in your day or week to grow this passion – when I find mine, that’s my plan!

As I continue to ponder these thoughts, I will look for a life passion maybe even try something out! I need to find myself as I don’t truly believe I’ve ever really known myself but rather how I believe everyone else thinks I should be.

Writing – I enjoy writing. I express and communicate better through writing …hummmm, maybe that’s an avenue I explore.

Thanks for reading,
Nick