Abandonment

This past spring I had a rather interesting life wake up call or rather a slap upside the head. And through this recognition I realized a piece of that slap was that I have a fear of abandonment. This statement is huge and I follow that statement with; there isn't a male figure in my life who hasn't left me. Rather harsh statement - let me explain.

For those who have read my prior posts you know I'm adopted. Point one; my natural parents abandoned me. I'm thankful for the decision they made as a very young couple - abandonment none the less.

My parents divorced when I was 3-yrs old. My father and I have never had one of those amazing father/daughter relationships. He was not a true, active parent in my life and while he didn't fully abandon me, he was an extremely absent parent.

My brothers; oldest 9-yrs older than I and was never part of my life - then or now. Other brother is just 3-yrs older but we were never close growing up and he left (under horribly strained conditions with my mom) when I was in 6th grade.

My grandfather was an incredible man who passed away too early in my young life. I desperately miss him and wish for more time. I would look at his role in my life as an almost exception to my original statement. He lived in Michigan but visited every winter; spending 3-4 months at a time.

Uncles were not a huge part of my life as none of them lived close enough to have any regular contact.

My life growing up did not have a huge male influence (not that this is required to grow up a strong woman) and what I learned through life experience was male figures in my life do not stick around. Growing up sabotaging relationships was my thing; he's going to leave anyway why not push him away to save myself. Or, do and say whatever is necessary to keep the relationship strong so he won't go away. Not a healthy way to view life ...

And then Brian came bounding into my life and I embraced the idea of him and all he was with both arms. Our 11-yrs of marriage has been incredible; lowest of low to highest of high moments. All shared, together ... a team and partnership (now more than ever) and I'm taking steps to finally believe him when he tells me, "I'm not leaving."

I have a very long road to a healthy state of being. I do believe and feel deeply this step, acknowledgment for me is enormous. Now what ?? What do I do with this - remember it, work through it, and trust.

Thanks for reading,

Nic