Here’s a peak into the Fletcher household of emotions, thus far, for 2010:
January
Kicking off the year, as previously noted, with the celebration of Brian's 40th birthday. The end of January brought Brian to an out-patient surgery, thus providing much anxiety (fear) for the kids.
February
brought me an unexpected opportunity to seek employment outside the UW Libraries. A welcome change but alas, I was not the "chosen one." The excitement over possibilities and new challenges, nervousness of interviewing, and disappointment of not being the department’s first choice … challenging emotions to work through. But ultimately, no matter the outcome - I firmly believe pushing yourself / challenging yourself is one of the keys to life.
March
brought home our first family fish; Chowder Goober Fletcher. Technically it was Ben’s fish he decided to share with the family. Anyone want to take a guess at how long the “cool factor” lasted for the kids? And who embraced yet another opportunity to feed another mouth and wipe another … (y'all know how I end this thought ...).
More importantly for March it brought Brian’s annual MS appointment which this year included an MRI. 2002 was the last time the picture of his brain was taken. Emotions were running high that afternoon. Before I move on to the emotional results, I *must* digress. As noted in a prior post, Brian’s original doctor moved to Stanford University to be on faculty and head the MS research center. An incredible opportunity for him, however, I honestly continue to grieve this loss. As exciting as it is to have this man heading MS research to help millions of patients stricken with this debilitating disease – I’m selfish enough to say I wish he was still Brian’s doctor. Moving on … the results; we are so blessed to have heard, “no new lesions”, in 8-yrs are you seriously confirming nothing new? Yep – let’s scream it from the roof top, “Halleluiah” Not without daily symptoms but nothing new. Dr. Dunn has my deepest and forever gratitude. And to Brian, for giving himself a daily injection for 10-solid years – nicely done.
March also brought Carson’s first ever elementary school dance. Really – first grade! We had a blast; it was so much fun to be crazy, laugh and dance with my boys. Carson was so proud to show off his dance moves he’d learned in PE class. The Chicken dance, Electric Slide, Macarena, YMCA, so many others – we got to meet a few of his friends (girls – all night this sweet group of girls trying to get him to dance!).
April
sadly, as we welcomed April we had to say good-bye to Chowder, the family fish. Ben was crushed - still is, very sad and somewhat emotional. Chowder rests in our backyard, a gentle fish eulogy was said, and Ben visits daily.
The month of April has brought a 10+ year labor of love for Brian to a close. While official word remains outstanding – he has finished his undergraduate degree from Skidmore College (University without Walls). All Brian wants to do is shout from any roof top, "I’m done!!" I’m much more reserved (as most of you know) and am cautiously excited for him. Without my hopes getting too high I wait for the diploma to arrive. This drives Brian crazy – could you at least pretend to be excited, he asks? Of course I am – but there are also a slew of other emotions I’m feeling. The biggest being; how to handle his re-entry into our family life. Much tougher on me than probably anyone else. More to come on this huge piece of my life in a later blog. Too much to wrap my head around right now …
April also brought a trip to visit my dad; as noted in a prior post he is suffering the devastating disease, Alzheimer’s. He knew me … never called me by my name, but why would he? He didn’t really know my family but as usual he covered so no one knew the wiser (or so he thinks). He can still put that mask on for the public, to show he’s ok. I suppose that works until you start having a conversation with him, well let’s be honest – you can’t have a conversation with him. He gets confused mid sentence and keeps going. He mixes stories from years ago and has zero short term memory. He is easily confused and disoriented – he is not my dad. The dad I’ve known for 35 plus years – this man is gone. Replaced with someone who physically looks like him, though he’s starting to look a whole lot like his big sister, sounds like him – but, it’s not him. This, of course is sad on so many levels, however – he and I never shared a close father/daughter relationship so my heart is not really broken for me. It is broken for my step-mom, who is also coming to terms that this is not the man she fell in love with and married 25+ years ago. This acknowledgment holds my sadness.
Much more to come for April ….
May
will bring Brian’s graduation, he wants to walk at commencement. Yep, that equals a trip to New York. Yikes … I have mixed feelings of this adventure, as Brian knows, but what an important step for him; long awaited closure to this drawn out chapter of his life.
The month of May will also bring about another birthday for me. Anyone who knows me will be stunned, shocked really when I say – I think I want a birthday gathering this year. Did anyone else here the gasp … Not sure why, I’ve never been one to celebrate but I’m feeling it this year. It’s not a big birthday just another step toward the next big one – what the heck, why not celebrate.
June
will bring about my absolute favorite weekend of the year – when my incredible friend from AZ comes up for her annual visit. Plane tickets purchased, hotel coordinated – let the fun begin. You can note a prior post titled, “Friendship” to get the full impact of Suzanne on my life. You can bet there will be a future post about this incredible weekend later!
________________________
seems this blog post has turned more into a summary of my life; how 2010 has gone thus far. Each day brings a new ride on the emotional rollercoaster I seem to be riding this year. I continue to search for me; to remove the facade of what I want people to see (to shed that outer skin, as one friend referred) and start living my true life. Baby steps indeed but this is my priority this year. An incredible emotional road lies ahead for me - I can feel it. That's okay; emotions remind you you're alive!
Thanks for reading,
Nick
1 comment:
Dearest Mara - I'm just now getting back to the ritual of reading my friend's blog - wow, you had lots going on lately. Most I knew, some I didn't (sorry to hear about the untimely demise of Chowder. Great to have you spend time writing your emotions .. it's good for the soul. Love you! R
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