Commitment

What does commitment mean to you? And how do you stick to those commitments or promises? Promise is a big word; when you promise to do something, anything, you are committing 100-percent of all you've got to accomplish that promise, right? For me this statement is completely true. When I promise to do something for an employee, co-worker, boss, friend, family member, husband, parents, and children - I honestly, sincerely do whatever it takes to "make it happen!" Not much can get in my way when I promise or commit to do something for anyone ... except when it comes to me!

Why is it so easy to break that promise or commitment to yourself? And I'm not just talking about New Year resolutions 'cuz we all know where most of those promises end up. But how ‘bout when I say, "okay, enough is enough - I will be a more patient parent or I will exercise, I will eat right, I will take the bus (no matter how much I highly dislike it!), I will take better care of myself, get more sleep, and give my new job all that I've got.” Truly my list could go on for miles.

I’m wondering why, when you make such commitments to yourself, are they so easy to break? Because I don’t hold myself accountable? Perhaps, that could be my reason. Sure I can beat myself up for eating that late night cookie and only feel guilt. I’m only letting myself down for not keeping to my promise. I’m not letting anyone else down, just me … what gives?

I suppose it is time for me to step up to the plate and hold myself accountable. First, in my defense, I feel I need to state that I’ve given into this new job thing. I have promised, mostly to Brian, but also myself that I will give this new job all that I have. And, well, I can honestly say – I am starting to let go of Bothell. Bothell is moving forward and I am to. A Seattle co-worker made a ‘stop-me-in-my-tracks’ comment the other day, “come on, this is your dream job.” And right there, she kept talking but I have no idea what she said. In my mind I thought, is it? So as I let go of Bothell and fully commit to my new job – I embrace it. And try so very hard not to feel so stupid most every minute of every day. It is a constant struggle but the possibilities of ‘making my footprint’ is truly exciting.

Anyway, back to accountability. We are headed to Hawaii in August, my family, the four of us. We are going with another couple, 2-weeks in complete bliss (even with my children!). Through blogging, as my source of accountability, I am going to lose weight (20-lbs is my goal, but will settle for 10-lbs by August). I am committing to becoming more active and actually following through on a promise/commitment I make to myself. Eating right; to be defined specifically but I know late night cookies are out. I will involve the family; kids are always active and running around, I commit to joining them. Let’s see if I can hit my goal in 2-1/2 months. I will blog my ups and down with this journey, as this will be my form of official accountability.

All this to begin … tomorrow!

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Transition (grieving and acceptance)

I have had a rather challenging time determining what my next blog post will focus on. My past blogs have been just that, focused on my past (except MS, which is daily). What an amazing and powerful experience! It is a scary thing to put yourself 'out-there'. Much to my honest surprise and pure joy everyone who has read my blog still loves me (you really love me!). How lucky I am to have such a strong and loving support system. A system I should have trusted and looked to a long time ago. I've had my darkest skeletons buried deep in my personal closet for far too many years. Always hiding and afraid what others would think of me. And while I suppose there may always be a piece of me worried what others will think I'm working hard to put that behind me. I give an enormous shout out (you all know who you are) to my amazingly caring, insightful, and wonderful support system who have been so strong for me. I truly can not tell you all how lucky and special I feel to have you in my life. Thank you!

Life is about transition (change). Some of us embrace it while others of us run like heck away from it. As much as I'd like to think I'm good with transition and change I think secretly not so much. I am a Gemini; while we have two personalities we also tend to get set in our ways, routine is our proverbial very best friend. Of course this may not be true for all Gemini’s but many of us fall into this life pattern. "Nothing stays the same." We've all heard that but have we REALLY heard it? Look at all the decisions you make daily; most small (what to eat for breakfast, what to wear) but some can be huge life changing ones (moving, taking on a new job, starting a family). And I believe often when we make decisions we also feel regret (grief).

Most everyone knows I have chosen to leave my job at UW Bothell. My workplace of choice for the past 12-years. My job straight out of college. I've grown so much, both personally and professionally. Starting out as an Office Assistant, growing to a Fiscal Specialist, to an Assistant to the Director, and finally to a Manager. I experienced this growth and transition in three different departments on the Bothell campus. Yes, I am proud of all I have accomplished. And yes, my past experience has allowed this new career opportunity and advancement ... but (did you all see that big but coming!). As Brian, so insightfully pointed out, "I'm grieving my loss of Bothell."

I've have willingly tossed my professional and family life routine up in the air and I'm still waiting (trying to be patient) for all the pieces to fall back into place (a new place). Change and patience - not my strongest personality traits. When all I really want to do is go running, full-bore, back to Bothell. Back to what I know, where I feel safe and comfortable, back to what I've helped shape and create. Maybe I'm not finished at Bothell, maybe there is more I want to do. In my mind, I'm constantly thinking about how and when I can get back to what I left. Full of self doubt and so uncomfortable with my decisions; both in my decision to leave Bothell and doubting my decision to take this new job. I suppose all very natural feelings when one makes such a life change but I gotta be honest when I say, these feelings suck!

Life transition, allowing myself to grieve and at some point accepting the decisions I have made. Tough to do. I had over a year to think about whether or not I would consider applying for the UW Seattle position. I looked hard, because I wanted to find all the glowing, blinking, enormous red flags to stop me - but I didn't find any. So I tossed my resume in the pile and was chosen as the successful hire. Who'd-a-thought! And while I am excited and proud of what I've accomplished - these feelings are buried too deep. The guilt, self-doubt, the what-the-heck was I thinking feelings are far too strong right now to focus on all that I've accomplished.

I will come to acceptance, eventually, with my decisions. And as Brian says very matter-of-factly, "we just make another decision." If UW Seattle was not the way to go (after giving it a fair shot) than we'll make another life changing decision. And while I agree with this statement, I do feel it is one which is easier said than done.

Thanks for reading,

Nick