1973 - 1999

Brian, my husband, has always told me, "your past makes you who you are today." It has taken me a long time to understand and truly believe this statement. Bless him for showing me this truth and for still wanting to marry me after he knew details of my skeleton's in the closet history.

My first blog entry, "Coelacanth" I signed off with a list of adjectives which one could use to describe titles for me. With this entry I plan to wrap up my history in almost one fell swoop so I can move forward; with life and with blogging! I certainly won't touch on every detail just the most painful and eventful of my life during this time period (26-yrs). This will probably turn into a long, drawn out entry - skim through as you please. The details may be boring for some but therapeutic for me.

May 31, 1973 - the day I was brought into this world. Perhaps a joyous day for some but I think for my natural mother, a sence of relief. I learned 32-yrs later that my VERY young natural mother had teminated two prior pregnancies. To this day I'm wondering why she didn't terminate me. I'm here for a reason ... I spent the first 6-weeks of my life in foster care; probably not so bad but I'm glad I don't remember this time. Though my parents who ended up adopting me were already experiencing difficulty in their marriage my mom always wanted a girl - they had adopted two boys already - and got a call that I had arrived and was ready for a home. Yes, all three of us were adopted, all from different natural parents. Thus began my life as Mara Suzanne Stevens; my mom wanted to name me Marcella. Thank you grandma for not allowing this - though, as mentioned in prior posts, Mara has also been a struggle. What's in a name ... for me, tons! This covers my "adopted daughter" title.

Survivor ... yes, I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a young child by a close family member. Boy, that's hard to write. I've never referred to myself as a survivor but I am - this remains a difficult topic and until this post only a hand-full of people knew about it. I did finally tell my mom, only a couple of years ago, which at the moment felt good to finally share but the topic has never been spoken of again and a certain level of expectation on her part remains for me to continue contact with this family member for which now (at age 34) I have finally decided I will not. Another struggle I will continue to work through ... because I am a survivor.

I married my "high-school sweetheart" ... I suppose you could say that. I met DR (official name withheld to protect the innocent) the summer I was to go into 10th grade, 1988. He graduated high school in June '88 ... what's he doing with an almost 10th grader, who knows! When I first met him I thought he was an arrogant jerk. But as the summer went on we started dating and I spent the rest of my high school years with him. I missed out on a lot because of this but I thought I was in-love, that DR was the right one for me. And it was petty cool to have the older boyfriend with a car ... but now, looking back all I can say is "really!" But at the time there was no getting through to me. I say "high-school sweetheart" because I spent 3-high school years with him, I do know he was not my first love or even a true, deep love. We went through a lot together (getting pregnant at 19 and terminating; sound familar ... see "adopted daughter" section above about my natural mother) but still ended up getting married when I was 21 (1994). I think we did this because we were supposed to - we'd talked about it for YEARS and there was a certain level of expectation, eventhough I knew the day I got married I shouldn't be walking down the isle. Through the twists and turns of young, married life (yes, I'm avoiding great detail here) we ended up divorced (hence the title, "ex-wife") late in 1996. The asorted details of this portion of my life may or may not be covered in a later blog. Remember I gotta protect the innocent here. For about 6-yrs we had no contact; than "MySpace" came about and he found a couple of my long-time dear friends. I've since learned he's living in OR, married with an adopted daughter and natural son. For DR I believe his life has come together nicely and for this I am truly happy.

Certainly from the day I was born in 1973 through 1999 when I married my true love, Brian there are many more details which make up who I am today ... the above entry represents the most ugly of the my skeleton's. The skeleton's Brian took as part of loving me for me - choosing me to spend the rest of his life with. What a special treasure and honor I plan to cherish forever.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

My dad has Alzheimer's

Toward the end of December 2007 I found out my dad has Alzheimer's. Such horrifying news actaully brought some relief - because it provided answers. Answers to his erratic and quite frankly mean behavior. He has an appointment later this week with his neurologist where we (the family) get to ask all sorts of questions. Like, what percentage of his brain is dead, yes dead! His brain loss has been filled with spinal fluid ... what does this mean. At this point, the range of how far along my dad is with this disease is not good - he's much deeper than anyone realized and past the point of taking meds to help slow the process. Bless my middle brother for training over from Whitefish, MT to be with my dad during this visit. My dad has requested my step-mother not attend. Now one could argue if he is truly of-the-mind to make this sort of decision but my bro is making the trip out. And I struggle with my attendance; should I, could I? Would it anger my dad further to see me during this vulnerable time for him? I know he wants my brother (this is clear) doesn't want his own wife. And the pessimst in me says he wouldn't want his daughter there either.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what this all means. My dad and I have never had a close father-daughter relationship. I never doubted his love for me, he really didn't know how to show it and I didn't know how to ask for it. My parents were divorced when I was about 3-yrs old. At some point during this process my dad told my mom he'd take the boys (my two older brothers). Bless my mother who said no you take them all or none. He choose every-other weekend visits instead.

He was in and out of various relationships until he married my step-mom when I was 10. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my step-mom I don't believe I'd have any relationship today with my father. She has been the rock, the pull to get us together on a regular basis. She's been through a lot during the past 24-yrs of marriage to my dad. To say the least, he's not a warm, fuzzy, great communicator, happy-go-lucky, have some good-deep laughs with kinda guy. Quite the opposite really ... he's angry, loud, demanding, a talker for telling past stories (this doesn't make him a communicator cuz he's telling stories - not dealing with life's daily business). Anyway, I know deep down they have shared an overall wonderful 24-yrs of marriage.

No regrets ... no guilt ... how do I achieve this so when my dad passes I can morn him completely and peacefully? I really don't know; I don't feel I can really talk to him because we don't talk at that level and he won't remember the conversation (than what do I have to loose if he won't remember). I could write my thoughts in a letter to him but truly I wouldn't know what to say. As I have this struggle with myself I also fight the temptation to shove this aside, don't think about it or deal with it on a conscious level.

The battle will rage on and I will find the strength necessary to say good-bye to my dad.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

Coelacanth

Pronouced in my head as "ce-la-cath". Does anyone remember the old Volkswagan TV commerial where two guys are looking in the trunk of a Jetta or variation of and says, "what once was lost is now found" Coelacanth ... it's a type of fish "they" thought was extinct but scientists found alive somewhere (more detail; http://www.dinofish.com/) . It was also a question on Jepordy! several years ago for which I acutally knew the answer to, thanks VW. Turns out the guys looking in the trunk were thrilled to find a full-size spare tire. Okay ... so you had to see the ad to really get it.

I ramble on about this for two reasons, 1) I can, it is my blog, and 2) more importantly it's how I feel about myself. Hence the title of my blog, "Once was lost is now found, almost." Though in my mid-thirties (which is young I know) I don't know that I have ever made a name for myself; stood out in a crowd. Ever truly defined who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I always knew growing up what was expected of me; follow the rules, don't make waives, go to college, etc. So I feel I learned to never speak up, ask questions; was always the quiet, shy one in the corner, make nice - do what needs to be done to keep everyone happy. I remain highly self-conscious and with that always worry what others think. Fear of confrontation because I'm afraid to speak up for myself and worry what others will think.

The good news through all of this; I'm aware of it and now I start the slow road to learning who Mara Fletcher really is. Or, "Nick" as I think I'll use in this blog. Why Nick ... cuz I truly love this nickname. My very dear, long time best-friend Juli - her dad is famous for giving out nicknames. During college I would ask daily what my nickname was going to be. One day he said to me, so excited, "I have your nickname!" Such joy and excitement I felt to finally have a nickname ... "Nick" he said! Short for nickname ... as much as I love this nickname it has never truly taken hold - except for Juli's dad (bless him!). Partly because I love Nick and partly because I'm so self-conscious of my name (I know, I'm working on it) I'm going to use Nick.

I know there is more to me than being an adopted daughter, survivor, friend, ex-wife, wife, employee, supervisor, and mom.

Thanks for reading,
Nick